What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s horoscope right here every month!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. So, just in case, here’s your horoscope for the month:
|Aries: This month your leadership skills are like Pat Robertson’s. Instead of selling your soul to the devil for a buck, consider contemplating who you are without titles or material objects.|
|Taurus: Pizza is a beautiful thing, with endless combinations of flavors and colors, circular in form and dynamic in texture. If you find yourself this aesthetically enamored by pizza, stop eating so much.|
|Gemini: This month it’s like you’ve got a solar panel on one side of your head and Cthulhu tendrils on the other: Choose the Elon Musk side of your Twins.|
|Cancer: What’s got a hard protective exterior shell and soft, gushy, vulnerable insides? You and the United States Healthcare System, Educational System, Judicial System…|
|Leo: When the Moon visits your sign this month, you’ll see your reflection everywhere. Just make sure you don’t visit a nice restaurant with 4-way mirrors in the bathroom because you’ll never come back.|
|Virgo: Rumor has it you’re extremely concerned about the potential of race wars. If anything starts to get too real in your life, calculate the potential of large-scale Alien abduction.|
|Libra: This month, the scales are tipped in your favor by cosmic energies, but no amount of planetary influence will keep you from being a human seesaw if you listen to Facebook more than your gut.|
|Scorpio: Happy Birthday Scorpions! If you’re wondering if the Kennedys and Rothchilds put truth serum in your wine to find out your real age, your friends have definitely been boosting your ego too much.|
|Sagittarius: Among the unique representations of horses, we have talking horses, flying horses, one-horned horses, and then there’s you: a horse with a human head. Sounds like a backward congress.|
|Capricorn: If you find yourself talking and walking like Kim Jong Un, do not detonate the bombs of your inner life. Go on a diet and learn English instead.|
|Aquarius: If others reward you this month for doing almost nothing, wipe the Al Gore syndrome out of your eyes and do something real to help heal the world, like protecting children from being sold as sex slaves.|
|Pisces: Your fluid, intuitive energies are ideally suited for poetry, divination, and energy healing. Unfortunately, the world is consumed by business, industry, and war.|
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Jennifer Hollie Bowles
Jennifer Hollie Bowles is a writer and small business owner. She has been studying Astrology for about twenty years, but she finds limiting it to sun signs quite humorous.