Horoscopes for Jerks: November, 2017

What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s horoscope right here every month!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. So, just in case, here’s your horoscope for the month:

Zodiac_01-Aries Aries: This month your leadership skills are like Pat Robertson’s. Instead of selling your soul to the devil for a buck, consider contemplating who you are without titles or material objects.
Zodiac_02-Taurus Taurus: Pizza is a beautiful thing, with endless combinations of flavors and colors, circular in form and dynamic in texture. If you find yourself this aesthetically enamored by pizza, stop eating so much.
Zodiac_03-Gemini Gemini: This month it’s like you’ve got a solar panel on one side of your head and Cthulhu tendrils on the other: Choose the Elon Musk side of your Twins.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: What’s got a hard protective exterior shell and soft, gushy, vulnerable insides? You and the United States Healthcare System, Educational System, Judicial System…
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: When the Moon visits your sign this month, you’ll see your reflection everywhere. Just make sure you don’t visit a nice restaurant with 4-way mirrors in the bathroom because you’ll never come back.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: Rumor has it you’re extremely concerned about the potential of race wars. If anything starts to get too real in your life, calculate the potential of large-scale Alien abduction.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: This month, the scales are tipped in your favor by cosmic energies, but no amount of planetary influence will keep you from being a human seesaw if you listen to Facebook more than your gut.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: Happy Birthday Scorpions! If you’re wondering if the Kennedys and Rothchilds put truth serum in your wine to find out your real age, your friends have definitely been boosting your ego too much.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Among the unique representations of horses, we have talking horses, flying horses, one-horned horses, and then there’s you: a horse with a human head. Sounds like a backward congress.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: If you find yourself talking and walking like Kim Jong Un, do not detonate the bombs of your inner life. Go on a diet and learn English instead.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: If others reward you this month for doing almost nothing, wipe the Al Gore syndrome out of your eyes and do something real to help heal the world, like protecting children from being sold as sex slaves.
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces: Your fluid, intuitive energies are ideally suited for poetry, divination, and energy healing. Unfortunately, the world is consumed by business, industry, and war.
zodiac, horoscope
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this humorous horoscope column!
Jennifer Hollie Bowles
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