Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Elon Musk: Fly to most places on Earth in under 30 minutes and anywhere in under 60
405 Freeway: Hold my coffee, MFer…
School librarian, citing ‘racist propaganda,’ rejects Melania Trump’s gift of Dr. Seuss books
Especially ‘Hip Hop on Pop’ and ‘Horton Hears a Jew.’
Twitter briefed Congress in election probe
So, it’s the folks who brought us 140 characters vs. the folks with no character.
Hillary Clinton: I’m not sure Trump knows that Puerto Ricans are American citizens
…or, that Hawaiians are.
Saudi Arabia’s King Salman decided to allow women to drive
Good news: Saudi Arabia‘s King Salman decided to allow women to drive.
Bad News: It’s so they can go more places to get their husband a sandwich.
Steven Seagal blasts NFL players
NFL players: Who?
It’s National Poetry Day
Big shout out to the girl from Nantucket.
The President falls for Iranian fake missile launch, and it’s like the sixth-biggest story of the day
Someone call the White House and ask, if ‘its refrigerator is running’ or, if ‘they have Prince Albert in a can.’
O.J Simpson released from Nevada prison
At his age, he’ll be the guy in the white Bronco with the rear turn signal blinker continuously on.
Trump delivering aid to Puerto Rico: ‘This is a thing called the Atlantic Ocean, this is tough stuff’
It seems the only island shelters he cares about are tax shelters.
Rick Pitino calls allegations against Louisville a ‘shock,’ blames few bad actors
That’s the same statement given by the producers of ‘Showgirls.’
RIP, Hugh Hefner
Instead of reading his obit people will just look at the pictures.
US announces new sanctions on N. Korea
There’s still stuff to sanction? What’s left, no more franchises for the ‘Hair Club for Madmen?’
Senate GOP won’t vote on Graham-Cassidy health care bill: ‘We don’t have the votes’
But, it would’ve passed in the Electoral College.
MIT researchers use drone fleets to track warehouse inventory
And that one sock from a pair that keeps disappearing.