The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Kellyanne Conway

Talk radio host extraordinaire Jerry Duncan interviews Kellyanne Conway!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the senior advisor for the Trump administration, Kellyanne Conway.

Kellyanne Conway DonkeyHotey
Kellyanne Conway. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

KELLYANNE CONWAY

Good morning.

JERRY

I finally met the mouth that roared on Pennsylvania Avenue.

CONWAY

I take that as a compliment.

JERRY

Wow. You have big teeth.

CONWAY

I’m going to use my choppers to bite off your head.

JERRY

You’re a tough cookie. My intern told me that you graduated from law school. Is that true?

CONWAY

Yes. I’m a liar, I mean lawyer.

JERRY

You endorsed Ted Cruz in the last presidential campaign. Gag me with a spoon.

CONWAY

That’s not fair, Jerry. The fake news makes Cruz out to be nastier than he really is. Sure babies don’t want to be kissed by him, but grown up women do.

JERRY

How old?

CONWAY

I don’t know. They are drugged 24/7 in nursing homes.

JERRY

When you were working on the Cruz campaign, you criticized Trump as being “extreme” and “not a conservative.”

CONWAY

Not true.

JERRY

Those are your words. I saw the clip on Fox.

CONWAY

True. Next.

JERRY

Look at all the people that have been fired or left under a cloud of suspicion in the White House. Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, James Comey, Tom Price and more.

CONWAY

There’s a reason, Jerry. Flynn is too short, Manafort talks funny, Spicer is clueless, Priebus is a crybaby, Comey is too tall and Price has eyebrows the don’t match the color of his hair.

JERRY

Did the Russians help the Trumpster win the election and is he close to Putin?

CONWAY

I’m going to confess. I can’t lie to my priest in confession any longer.

JERRY

You’re admitting it?

CONWAY

(crying) Yes. I can’t let the president sell Alaska to the Russians. I must save Sarah Palin.

JERRY

Palin? Megyn Kelly asked that idiot about Brexit. She said it was the most important meal of the day. Doctors can’t pick up a a brain wave in that woman’s head.

CONWAY

(crying) I want to leave the White House a hero. I need to be loved. Morning Joe banned me, Jerry. It’s because I’m prettier than Mika Brzezinski.

JERRY

No, because you stole Bozo the Clown’s makeup and are scaring viewers.

CONWAY

I’ll have you know I was the winner of the Miss Blueberry contest when I was in college. You are berry rude.

JERRY

Oh, Kellyanne cracked a funny. Hey, you couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked bean dinner.

CONWAY

Did you know that I was a cheerleader in high school? I’m so great. Listen to this cheer.

Whatta we want?

Great sax!

Whatta we need?

Great sax!

Whatta we play?

Great sax!

Go Tigers!

JERRY

I assume you’re out of work after the confession today.

CONWAY

Just checked my phone. I have a text from the president.

JERRY

What does it say?

CONWAY

Get your boney little ass out of the White House. You’re a loser!

JERRY

Ringling Brothers called the show. The good news is they need another clown. You’re a natural.

CONWAY

Thank you. You’re really sweet.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.
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