Waves of revulsion overwhelm Canada after claims that Ted Cruz was actually born in Calgary
OTTAWA, CANADA — Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau today forcefully insisted at a press conference that “under no circumstances whatever could Ted Cruz possibly have been born in Canada.”
Mr Trudeau added: “Canadian? He’s barely human.”
The Prime Minister was responding to what he called “waves of revulsion and embarrassment” engulfing his country following recent claims that the Texas senator had actually been born in Calgary in 1970.
“As a Canadian, I must first of course apologize to our American friends down south, but unfortunately Texas Ted is – how can I put this politely? – a vicious, self-obsessed, power-hungry authoritarian shithead in the horrific traditions of Pol Pot, Idi Amin and Dick Cheney.
“Sorry to pull my punches, but, well, he’s kinda ugly too.”
Mr Trudeau continued: “So there is no way Mr Eduardo Cruz could possibly be a Canadian. Nada, absolutely not, uh-uh, no, man, it’s outa the question, what part of No don’t you understand?”
The Prime Minister went on: “But just to be ever so fair, we are conducting a hasty but, I assure you, thoroughly thorough research of any and all possible records, and a check of all live male Canadian births in 1970.”
“And all we found was just one tiny little birth certificate bearing his name. Just one. Well, as you Americans say, that don’t mean shit!”
Mr Trudeau shook his head. “Let’s face it, a mere certificate of live birth signed by the attending physician and the baby’s parents is hardly sufficient. Ask Ted himself, about Obama.
“But just in case, we already have a highly expert team of highly expert experts examining Mr Cruz’s alleged birth certificate right now. I haven’t heard back from them yet, but it definitely appears to be a forgery.”
Mr Trudeau said that the most persuasive evidence that Sen. Cruz was not Canadian was Sen. Cruz himself. Apart from his “palpable evil, greed, megalomania and dislike of Caesar salads,” no Canadian “would cook his bacon on the barrel of an AR-15.”
Mr Trudeau licked his lips. “Think of the taste of cordite,” he said. “Plus you can hardly call what Cruz cooks bacon. That stuff you guys eat is 90 percent fat.
“Listen up, Ted! Get yourself some real Canadian bacon to go with your green eggs!
“And if you’re looking for somewhere to live after you don’t get elected in November,” the PM added with a laugh, “try New York City.”