The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Henry Kissinger

Our intrepid talk radio host interviews Henry Kissinger!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. We have a special guest today, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Hi big fella.

Henry Kissinger
Henry Kissinger gives himself a fist bump. Image by darthdowney, flickr.com.

HENRY KISSINGER

(German accent) How var you?

JERRY

Miserable as usual.

KISSINGER

(chuckling) Is your glass half full?

JERRY

No. It’s half empty like your head. Let’s discuss the state of affairs in the United States. We have a president under siege because the Russians hacked our elections and there could be collusion with the Trumpster and his associates; our allies think we suck; and scary-looking Kathy Griffin gave Barron Trump nightmares.

KISSINGER

Vell, let me answer the most important ting you mentioned. Barron Trump needs to see a psychiatrist, because he has nightmares from Kathy Griffin and his fadder. He tinks the guy running the Vhite House is a bad actor. That it’s all fake news. Barron believes Kathy Griffin has a crush on his dad or I should say crushed his dad’s head. Does that make sense?

JERRY

No, but what the hell. You’re a doctor.

KISSINGER

I’m not a real doctor.

JERRY

You might as well be a proctologist. You’ve met a lot of assholes in your life.

KISSINGER

Including you my friend.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that Roly Poly. What was it like working for President Richard Nixon? Another scandal ridden White House.

KISSINGER

Ve vere nervous during Vatergate. There vas the break into the Democratic National Committee in 1972 to get dirt on candidates who vere running against Nixon in the presidential race. At that time, I had no idea he vas behind it. This dragged on for two years until Tricky Dick got caught. I remember in 1974 Nixon vanted me to pray for him, though neither vone of us believed in God. He vas messed up. Tought the Canadians vere going to invade the United States. Then told me The Beverly Hillbillies vere liberal Democrats. He vas nuts and resigned.

JERRY

Watergate is stamped on his forehead forever.

KISSINGER

No. It’s on his nose vich grew 6 inches overnight after Nixon said he vas not a crook.

JERRY

Henry Kissinger, you were in the Battle of the Bulge during World War 2 and earned a bronze star.

KISSINGER

I did.

JERRY

Speaking of the Battle of the Bulge, you’re still fighting the war.

KISSINGER

Vhat?

JERRY

It’s a joke. Bulge? Big tummy?

KISSINGER

Vell, I do like Duncan Donuts tvice a day vit my milkshakes.

JERRY

You have a PhD from Harvard. You’ve been a foreign policy advisor to presidents from Nixon to Reagan. Even gave the Trumpster some advice.

KISSINGER

Last veek I vent to the White House to see Trump. I varned him to be careful of the Reds.

JERRY

The Russians?

KISSINGER

Dat’s vhat I meant.

JERRY

And what did the Trumpster say? He agreed. Right?

KISSINGER

Not exactly. Trump told me dat he tought the Dodgers vere a much better team. Good pitching, excellent hitting.

JERRY

You’ve had many achievements. Just answer true or false. You negotiated the SALT Treaty with the Soviet Union in 1970 to limit nuclear arms.

KISSINGER

True. I’m sentimental. Arms are for hugging.

JERRY

(fake cry) Boo hoo. Arms are for hugging. Boo hoo.

JERRY

You started the opening for diplomatic relations with China in 1971 and negotiated the Paris Peace Accords ending our involvement in the Vietnam War in 1973.

KISSINGER

True. I’m incredible.

JERRY

Not quite fella. You dated actress Shirley MacLaine. What a goof.

KISSINGER

True. Ve meditated on our first and last date for five hours before she told me that I vas her reincarnated dog. She then let me out the back door to go potty.

JERRY

You said Golda Meir was hot.

KISSINGER

True. Egyptian President Anvar Sadat and I were stoned vhen I made that comment after a reporter found me roller skating in his closet.

JERRY

Do you still travel?

KISSINGER

Travel? Sure. From the bedroom to the bathroom. Sometimes from the bedroom to the kitchen. Other times, the living room to…

JERRY

In other words, your poor wife wants to kill herself.

KISSINGER

Ve get out. Ever been to Kentucky Fried Chicken?

JERRY

(sarcastic) Oh sure. It’s a five star cuisine in Manhattan. This is the scoop I’ve been waiting for all day?

KISSINGER

Speaking of scoops. Vere’s that double chocolate svirl you promised me from Dairy Qveen?

JERRY

I lied.

KISSINGER

Oh darn. I brought my bib.

JERRY

Hey, one last question. Who is crazier Trump or Kim of North Korea?

KISSINGER

Vell, I’d say they’re both scary. Trump vants to make nuclear weapons more usable and Kim vants to blow up countries for shits and giggles. Hey Jerry, before I forgot here’s a funny joke.

JERRY

Lay it on me.

KISSINGER

Vhat is the difference betveen George Vashington, Richard Nixon and Donald Trump?

JERRY

I’m clueless.

KISSINGER

Vashington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Trump doesn’t know the difference.

JERRY

I’m outta here. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.
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