The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Roseanne Barr

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Roseanne Barr.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Roseanne Barr
Roseanne Barr.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is comedian and political activist Roseanne Barr.

ROSEANNE BARR

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

You and I go back a long way. I was a production assistant on Roseanne.

BARR

I don’t remember you.

JERRY

Let me take your down memory lane. On Halloween in 1992, I was the person that put dog shit in a bag then lit it on fire after I rang your door bell.

BARR

Oh man. I got that crap all over my new suede shoes. I was screamin and stompin on the bag like a porky Jennifer Lopez. Left foot, right foot, both feet.

JERRY

It was funny. You looked like Trump after a meltdown.

BARR

Hey, man. I should have had your butt arrested.

JERRY

Forgive me “domestic goddess” as you like to call yourself. Let’s talk about your screwed up life.

BARR

How dare you make that claim.

JERRY

For starters, you were raised in Salt Lake City in a Jewish family. Yet you were elected president of a Mormon youth group. As Desi said to Lucy, “you got some splainin to do.”

BARR

Here’s the deal. I was offered a new bicycle from the Mormon Temple or a pound of lox from the Jewish Temple. You figure it out, genius.

JERRY

What do you call a woman who is half-Mormon, half-Jewish?

BARR

No clue.

JERRY

A polygamist who doesn’t like sex.

BARR

Ha, ha, ha. You should be my warm-up act when I go on tour.

JERRY

You’re 65-years-old and live in Hawaii.

BARR

Ya know, there are lots of nuts in Hawaii.

JERRY

I admire you for admitting it.

BARR

Not me. I’m talkin Macadamia nuts. I grow those suckers on my ranch to lose weight. When I was shootin Roseanne, I weighed 250 pounds. I was so fat that when I stepped on the scale it said “To be continued.” It even got worse. When I brought my pants to the dry cleaners the lady said “we don’t do curtains.” So I did somethin about it.

JERRY

Well you look great.

BARR

Yeah. I weigh 140 pounds and ready to take on the world.

JERRY

Not so fast light weight. Let’s talk about the time you sang the Star Spangled Banner at the All Star baseball game.

BARR

Yeah. I like to sing and stuff.

JERRY

For starters, you sang the song off key. If that wasn’t bad enough, you grabbed your crotch after the song was finished and spit on the ground.

BARR

Y’know why? It was my mating call, man. I was lookin for a fella.

JERRY

You’ve been married four times and have five kids.

BARR

I kept tellin my ma I was pregnant again. That it must be somethin in the air. She said “Yeah..your legs.”

BARR

Speakin of pregnant, I heard a funny joke.

JERRY

Humor me.

BARR

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

JERRY

This better be good.

BARR

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

JERRY

Moving on. Roseanne ran from 1988-1997. What made it so popular?

BARR

People like makin fun of rednecks. Me and my TV hubby John Goodman were blue collar workers. Kinda like Trump supporters.

JERRY

Who you voted for. Right?

BARR

You are correct, sir.

JERRY

Are you nuts? Brain fart. Just answered my own question.

BARR

Look. I ran for president of the ultra liberal Green Party in 2008. That didn’t work out. Then I ran for president of the Peace and Freedom Party in 2012. Actually won and got 62,000 votes. But that didn’t work out either. I’ve been a liberal, now a conservative. Here’s the big news. I’m startin my own party.

JERRY

You got to be joking.

BARR

It’s called the She Party. We ladies are goin to raise hell and stuff. As one penny said to the other penny, let’s get together and make some sense.

JERRY

And on that note, see you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He is co-producing the play Before We're Gone by Jerry Small opening July 5, 2018 at Thirteenth Street Repertory Company in New York City.
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