The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Alec Baldwin

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews activist and movie & TV star Alec Baldwin.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Democratic activist and movie/TV star Alec Baldwin.

alec baldwin as trump
Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump on SNL.

ALEC BALDWIN

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

You seem to be in a good mood today.

ALEC

Life is beautiful.

JERRY

That’s what the captain of the Titanic said pulling out of Southhampton.

ALEC

Don’t mess with my head. I’m a big star.

JERRY

This is hilarious. You were born in Amityville, New York. That’s where the horror film takes place.

ALEC

Considering my brother is Stephen Baldwin, it all makes sense.

JERRY

He’s a nut job. The guy has experimented with more drugs than Merck.

ALEC

Go ahead, destroy my family. Hold on, my meditation chant. (pause) Ahmmmmm.

ALEC

Sorry. I lost my cool.

JERRY

Just like you did ten years ago when you left a voice message for your 11-year-old daughter calling her a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Or the time you assaulted a photographer for videotaping your daughter and ex-wife Kim Basinger.

ALEC

Where did you dig up that dirt?

JERRY

From your psycho brother Stephen. He’s pissed that you won’t let him on Match Game.

ALEC

I’ll make sure he never works in show business again. (pause) Ahmmmmm. I apologize for the outburst.

ALEC

I’m thinking about running for mayor of New York City. Maybe governor of the state. I could even be president. After all, I’m so good looking. Not like that overstuffed couch potato sitting in the Oval Office.

JERRY

Hey, the Trumpster is following the four food groups: McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Uncle John’s Pizza and Diet Coke. But let’s talk politics. You supported Barack Obama twice for president.

ALEC

Yes indeed. He had a favorite charity in which we raised money together called Gere’s Rear. Many helpless gerbils hidden in Richard Gere’s rear were rescued and reunited with their families. It brings tears to my eyes to this day.

JERRY

Kim Basinger. Beautiful actress and ex-wife.

ALEC

Mean, sneaky. Had the court send me to anger management. Couldn’t see my daughter Ireland for years. (pause) Ahmmmmm.

JERRY

Too bad, so sad. Boo-hoo.

ALEC

Well I got even. The doctor made her watch my film It’s Complicated 10 times without being sedated after plastic surgery. Her lips grew so big they exploded.

JERRY

Close your eyes because I have a surprise. Now open.

ALEC

Holy shit! My brother Stephen and he’s wearing a Make America Great Again hat.

STEPHEN

Hi Lefty.

ALEC

Back at you, Wing Nut. You’re a loser. That’s what mom told me.

STEPHEN

Funny. Dad told me you were a loser.

JERRY

I agree with both of you.

STEPHEN

I need to save everyone. We’re going to read scripture. Right, Reverend Falwell?

JERRY

Wrong Jerry, fella. That was a lie to get you here.

STEPHEN

You’re a sinner.

JERRY

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

ALEC

Stephen is running against me for Mayor of New York City.

STEPHEN

You know why? Because you’re running.

ALEC

New Yorkers know Stephen is a lunatic and that I just won an Emmy for impersonating Trump on Saturday Night Live.

STEPHEN

Yeah? Well New Yorkers know Alec’s career is finished after making that cartoon Boss Baby. How low will you go for a paycheck, pretty boy?

ALEC

Not as low as you, pothead. Six words. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.

STEPHEN

Barney Rubble is an American hero. Study history, toxic breath.

JERRY

Shut up the both of yas. I got an idea for a film. How about Forgetting The Baldwin Brothers?

ALEC

(intrigued)

I’m listening. Tell me more.

JERRY

It’s about two movie stars forced to spend a week in the wilderness with a horny Betty White.

ALEC

Ahmmmmm.

STEPHEN

Where’s the restroom, Duncan? I’m gagging.

ALEC

I’ll join you, bro.

JERRY

Wow! I brought these two feuding idiots together. I’m smarter than Dr. Phil. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
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