The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Another Think Tank: Elizabeth Warren and Roseanne Barr

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Senator Elizabeth Warren and comedian Roseanne Barr.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren and comedian Roseanne Barr. Hi ladies.

Comedian Roseanne Barr and Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Comedian Roseanne Barr and Senator Elizabeth Warren.

WARREN

Hello Jerry.

BARR

Hi there, fella.

JERRY

So many things going on in the White House. Let’s begin with chaos. Dozens of administration officials have been fired or resigned since Trump became president. Here’s just a few: Michael Flynn, James Comey, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, Rex Tillerson, Tom Price, Hope Hicks, Michael Cohen.

ELIZABETH WARREN

The president is neurotic. He’s gotten rid of more people than I’ve flipped pancakes on a griddle. This puts the security of the United States at risk for our citizens and sends the wrong message to nations around the world. Can America be trusted?

ROSEANNE BARR

Change is good. Like I’ve been married four times. It takes awhile to get it right. I asked my last husband how many women he slept with. He said “Only you, darling. With the others I was awake.” It took years to get my head screwed on straight.

JERRY

And it still isn’t.

WARREN

Ha, ha, ha.

BARR

Shut up, Senator. You want me to feel sorry for you because you’re a minority. We Trumpsters don’t believe in affirmative action.

WARREN

What do you mean by minority?

BARR

You claim that you’re part Cherokee.

WARREN

I am.

BARR

That’s how you got into Rugrats Law School. Ain’t it?

WARREN

I got in because of excellent grades. And it’s Rutgers you numbskull.

BARR

Well then I could have gotten a college scholarship. Growin up my ma used to tell me that I was a wild Indian.

JERRY

Let’s talk about Trump. He’s had four communication directors and three national security advisors in a year.

BARR

Make that five communication directors. I might replace Sarah Huckleberry Sanders.

JERRY

I thought it was Huckabee.

BARR

Quit gettin picky.

WARREN

You don’t possess the skills nor the judgment. You sound like a hick. And why would Trump get rid of Sarah?

BARR

He’s tired of watching her mouth move from side to side like a cow chewing when she speaks.

JERRY

You will be responsible for developing and promoting the agenda of the president in front of reporters in a daily briefing. Are you capable?

BARR

Let’s do a practice run. I’ll show yas.

WARREN

Okay. Bring it on.

(waving her hand in the air)

Roseanne, Roseanne.

BARR

Yes, Pocahontas.

WARREN

Is Stormy Daniels a dark cloud over the president?

BARR

I don’t know. You’ll have to call The Weather Channel.

JERRY

I have a question.

BARR

Yes, Jerry.

JERRY

We learned today that the president was discussing firing Special Counsel Robert Mueller. If true, is this Mueller’s time?

BARR

Hell, it’s always Miller time.

JERRY

Is it true one of the guests found your head in the toilet after a New Year’s Eve party?

BARR

I plead the fifth.

WARREN

You mean you drank a fifth.

BARR

Press conference over. I’m goin back to my day job.

WARREN

I’m leaving, too. I have a wrestling match with Jesse Ventura.

INTERN

Mr. Duncan, House Speaker John Boehner is in the hallway.

JERRY

Bring him in here.

INTERN

But he’s drunk.

JERRY

Even better.

Boehner staggers in the studio.

BOEHNER

Hi Larry.

JERRY

It’s Jerry and you’re plastered.

BOEHNER

Why? Because I have a wine bottle sticking out of a paper bag?

JERRY

No. Because your pants are below your knees.

BOEHNER

I stole the bottle from some bum while he was sleeping. No other way for me to get through this interview, Kerry.

Boehner takes a swig from the bottle and burps.

BOEHNER

(singing) 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around…

JERRY

You are the 53rd Speaker of the House having served from 2011 to 2015. Prior to that you were in Congress for 21 years.

BOEHNER

Mind if I smoke? My fingers are twitching.

JERRY

Why not? Drink, smoke and be merry.

BOEHNER

Thank you, Merry.

Boehner lights a cigarette.

JERRY

It’s Jerry with a J. Do you know the difference between a magician and yourself?

BOEHNER

The hand is quicker than the eye?

JERRY

No. The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance. You screwed the American taxpayer, fella.

BOEHNER

I did not, Barry!

JERRY

It’s Jerry, J-E-R-R-Y. You fought Obamacare leaving millions without health insurance and refused to bailout the country from W’s economic Wall Street and banking disaster in 2008.

BOEHNER

Hold on there. My drinking buddy Ted Kennedy and I co-sponsored the No Child Left Behind Act in 2001. I saved kids from being stupid. Helped overthrow Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. He was the crook who stole your money, Perry.

Boehner is weeping.

JERRY

What’s wrong?

BOEHNER

I’m outta booze.

JERRY

I’ll give you a lift home. See you tomorrow everyone.

BOEHNER

Thank you, Gary.

The following two tabs change content below.
Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.