Horoscopes for Jerks: May, 2018

What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s Funny Horoscope May 2018, right here!

What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope May 2018. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them!

Zodiac_01-Aries Aries: The Universe – completely unfettered by emotional concerns – reminds you that love has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Zodiac_02-Taurus Taurus: This Memorial Day, remember that for every lost loved one, there’s a star in the sky that will not be named after them.
Zodiac_03-Gemini Gemini: Retrograde Mercury says: instead of communicating with your usual ease, you’ll get tripped-up by your duality and make a fool of yourself like a drunk celebrity.
Zodiac_04-Cancer Cancer: Happy Birthday, crabby Moon people! Come on now – peek your little head out of that shell a minute and pretend there’s no threat of World War 3.
Zodiac_05-Leo" Leo: Just when you think you’ve won them over, you’ll be faced with a horrible truth: most people are idiots and don’t know the difference between a shallow show-boat and a genuinely charismatic person.
Zodiac_06-Virgo" Virgo: This month, planetary energies provide you with an extremely important life lesson: organize your living space instead of the supplies of your video game characters.
Zodiac_07-Libra" Libra: “This too shall pass” may be your motto, but in all that passing, don’t be like an inactive Millennial and forget the living.
Zodiac_08-Scorpio Scorpio: You can get away with a whole lot of manipulation without getting caught, but eventually that shit will catch-up with you. After all, Charles Manson was a Scorpion, and he never killed anyone.
Zodiac_09-Sag Sagittarius: Your big ass helps you plant your feet to shoot those arrows, but just like a corporate endorsed lobbyist, it doesn’t help cover-up your shit any better.
Zodiac_10-Cap Capricorn: Saturn, your ruling planet, reminds you that the grass is always greener on the other side – but only when you don’t appreciate what you have, like a fat American whining about the number of available nugget sauces.
Zodiac_11-Aquarius Aquarius: Fellow Water Pitcher, Edward Clovis Waterbury, advises: “Repeat after me, the relationship between me and several celestial bodies of indeterminate distances has no effect on my future.”
Zodiac_12-Pisces Pisces: If you find yourself more concerned about rampant mental health issues than gun control, do not share this information with conservatives or liberals: they will call you crazy.

zodiac, horoscope may 2018, signs

zodiac, horoscope april 2018, signs
Mosaic pavement of a 6th century synagogue at Beth Alpha, Jezreel Valley, northern Israel. It was discovered in 1928. Signs of the zodiac surround the central chariot of the Sun (a Greek motif), while the corners depict the 4 “turning points” (“tekufot”) of the year, solstices and equinoxes, each named for the month in which it occurs. Enjoy this Funny Horoscope May 2018, and please share!
Latest posts by Jennifer Hollie Bowles (see all)