What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s Funny Horoscope May 2018, right here!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope May 2018. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them!
|Aries: The Universe – completely unfettered by emotional concerns – reminds you that love has absolutely nothing to do with it.|
|Taurus: This Memorial Day, remember that for every lost loved one, there’s a star in the sky that will not be named after them.|
|Gemini: Retrograde Mercury says: instead of communicating with your usual ease, you’ll get tripped-up by your duality and make a fool of yourself like a drunk celebrity.|
|Cancer: Happy Birthday, crabby Moon people! Come on now – peek your little head out of that shell a minute and pretend there’s no threat of World War 3.|
|Leo: Just when you think you’ve won them over, you’ll be faced with a horrible truth: most people are idiots and don’t know the difference between a shallow show-boat and a genuinely charismatic person.|
|Virgo: This month, planetary energies provide you with an extremely important life lesson: organize your living space instead of the supplies of your video game characters.|
|Libra: “This too shall pass” may be your motto, but in all that passing, don’t be like an inactive Millennial and forget the living.|
|Scorpio: You can get away with a whole lot of manipulation without getting caught, but eventually that shit will catch-up with you. After all, Charles Manson was a Scorpion, and he never killed anyone.|
|Sagittarius: Your big ass helps you plant your feet to shoot those arrows, but just like a corporate endorsed lobbyist, it doesn’t help cover-up your shit any better.|
|Capricorn: Saturn, your ruling planet, reminds you that the grass is always greener on the other side – but only when you don’t appreciate what you have, like a fat American whining about the number of available nugget sauces.|
|Aquarius: Fellow Water Pitcher, Edward Clovis Waterbury, advises: “Repeat after me, the relationship between me and several celestial bodies of indeterminate distances has no effect on my future.”|
|Pisces: If you find yourself more concerned about rampant mental health issues than gun control, do not share this information with conservatives or liberals: they will call you crazy.|