Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

South Korea turns off propaganda speakers

They should threaten 24/7 Nickleback if North Korea doesn’t watch out.

It’s Melania Trump’s birthday

What do you get for the woman who has put up with everything?

Amazon acquires Hasbro to become exclusive seller of ‘Monopoly’

…no word if they’ll change Boardwalk to Whole Foods.

Trump lifts travel ban on Chad

…which means most of the guys on the Bachelorette can now move freely.

Ben Carson proposes tripling poor people’s rent

Mostly, so he can buy some chairs to go with that $31,000 dining room table.

Jordan Peele is making a docuseries about Lorena Bobbitt

Damn, they’re bringing back everything. ‘Roseanne,’ ‘Full House,’ now Lorena Bobbitt. The only thing not coming back is John Bobbitt’s junk.

2 Former NBC staffers accuse Tom Brokow of sexual misconduct in the 90’s

… looks like the 90’s were the heyday for ‘The Gropiest Generation.’

Bill Cosby went on ‘expletive-laden tirade’ after guilty verdict

To be fair, this wasn’t civil court.

White House Dr. Ronny Jackson withdrew from being head of VA

With Trump’s new found love of Rappers, he ought to replace him with Dr. Dre…

Trump struggled to get Melania to hold his hand during ceremony with Macron

After the Barbara Bush funeral, I guess it’s true, once you go Barack you never go back.

Woman tackled by officers at Alabama Waffle House, police defend arrest

Damn it, I just want to go back to the days when the only thing dangerous in a Waffle House was heart disease and diabetes from the crap on their menu.

Kellyanne Conway: Question about my husband’s tweets was ‘meant to harass and embarrass’

Well, in fairness, being paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you.

Leaked Tapes catch Trump bizarrely posing as his own spokesperson

… afterwards, he was seen arguing with himself saying, over and over again ‘better tasting’ ‘less filling,’ ‘better tasting’ ‘less filling,’ ’better tasting’ ‘less filling…’

Michael Cohen to plead the Fifth in Stormy Daniels defamation suit

It’ll be interesting to see how large a check Cohen wrote to himself to shut the f*&k up.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)