Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/5/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden

Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden lead 2020 Democratic field: New poll

Exclusive ‘Humor Times’ pic of the two men together celebrating.

Trump wants to give 100-billion-dollar tax cut to the rich

Damn, just think of how many marchers Soros can hire with the extra money.

3D printing brings high-tech angle to gun debate

instead of 3D printing a gun, people need to use printers for what they were made for… 3D printing your ass after you get drunk at an office party!

John Schnatter, the ousted founder of pizza chain Papa John’s, is suing his former company

Hmmm, in a twist the ‘Dominos’ are starting to fall!

Trump has changed his mind a lot on what he knew about the Trump Tower meeting

He’s changed positions so abruptly his hair is suing for whiplash.

Dallas sports anchor Dale Hansen blasts Jerry Jones for wearing hat during National Anthem

Don’t blame the hat; it’s probably Chinese!

Swedish crown jewels stolen from cathedral in daring speedboat heist

No word on how much they’ll want for the return of ABBA.

Colombian drug gang puts $70K hit on cocaine sniffing dog

I had heard Scooby-Doo had a problem, but, damn…

Johnny Manziel has 4 INTs in his first CFL start… at halftime

He’s the Oprah of the CFL: You get a football. And you get a football. And you get a football…

Prosecutor: Manafort had a $15,000 jacket ‘made from an ostrich’

Can’t wait for the TV show ‘Ostrich is the new Black.’

Roseanne Barr: I was ‘terrified’ living on an ‘island full of brown people’ after racist tweet

You live in Hawaii. Look again. Good chance those were Asians or Caucasians with pretty good tans.

Trump says he would meet with Iran’s leaders

No surprise! Of course, he’s cheating on North Korea with a younger autocratic country.

Charlie Sheen claims he can’t afford child support after being ‘blacklisted’ in Hollywood, says report

Losing!

Mueller wants to talk obstruction with Trump

The biggest obstruction’s gonna be Giuliani obstructing the door to stop Trump from talking to Mueller.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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