The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mean Guys

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the ‘Mean Guys,’ Louis Gohmert, Jim Jordan and Steve King.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the ‘Mean Guys’: crazy Texas Republican Congressman Louis Gohmert, crazy Ohio Republican Congressman Jim Jordan and crazier Iowa Republican Congressman Steve King.

Mean Guys, Louis Gohmert by DonkeyHotey
Louis Gohmert caricature, by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

GOHMERT

Am I really crazy or is it hot in here?

JERRY

Both. When I’m done with this interview, you clowns will be drowning in your own sweat.

JERRY

Let’s get to it. You are all members of the Freedom Caucus, which is sympathetic to the Tea Party. A bunch of extreme Righties loyal to Trump.

KING

Did you know Viagra is a recreational drug? I was against Medicare and Medicaid paying for it.

JERRY

Don’t change the subject.

GOHMERT

Hey. I use Viagra. The wife and I play horse around the house after I take the pill. I ride her like a bucking bronco.

JORDAN

Will Viagra help me grow taller? I’ve been mistaken for a chimpanzee.

JERRY

Congressman Jordan. What do you get when you offer a member of  the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts?

JORDAN

No clue.

JERRY

Change.

KING

Do you know that Martians are controlling us, Duncan? The other night I was alone in the house and heard the toilet flush twice. Then the air conditioning suddenly went out.

GOHMERT

If every American had a gun, there would be no Martians. We’d shoot the hell out of em.

JERRY

Are you sure that you’re not from Wacko, Texas. Not Waco?

JORDAN

You know Obama was born in Kenya. His middle name is Hussein. Kenya, Hussein, 9/11. Just sayin.

JERRY

Just sayin my ass. You’re a conspiracy wing nut, Cheetah. Trump is the president, not Obama.

JORDAN

(sound of chimp) Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.

KING

Trump’s my idol. Now I can wave my Confederate flag with pride.

JERRY

Pride? The Trumpster is undermining our democracy. He’s friends with Putin and Kim.

GOHMERT

Fake news. I think you’re being controlled by Hillary Clinton. There’s microwaves coming from your head. I feel the vibes.

JERRY

If you say so, Gomer Pyle.

JORDAN

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

JERRY

I dunno.

JORDAN

Three. One to hire a Mexican and two to deport him when he’s done.

KING

That’s true, Duncan.

JORDAN

Steve King knows. He’s been voted the most racist guy in Congress.

KING

Better believe it. You name the minority, I’m against them.

JERRY

Native Americans were here before white people, Kingster.

KING

I say to that remark. Make pee, pee, not teepee.

JERRY

You three crazies have sought to discredit the FBI and Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election. 17 intelligence agencies confirmed it happened. And you don’t believe them.

GOHMERT

We questioned, I should say tortured FBI agent Peter Strzok while he was before our House committee in July. I don’t believe him. My buddy here, Jim Jordan even offered to wrestle the G-Man.

JORDAN

I was a wrestling coach for 8 years at Ohio State University.

JERRY

Yeah. We know.

JERRY

Congressman Jordan. Wrestler Vince McMahon gets into a car. Who’s driving?

JORDAN

Vince?

JERRY

The police.

GOHMERT

Duncan. Do you know Huma Abedin, Secretary Clinton’s former assistant has family members connected to the Muslim Brotherhood?

KING

Do you know torture and prisoner abuse at Abu Ghrab is just hazing?

JORDAN

Do you know there’s no such thing as climate change?

JERRY

I do know one thing about all of you. You’re nuckin futs! See you tomorrow everyone.

The following two tabs change content below.
Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
Humor Times: 'World's Funniest News Source'