Just in Time for Halloween! A Tour of the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul

Saudi Consulate: also known as “The Middle-Eastern Haunted Torture Chamber.”

Here we go boys and girls! A fun and horror-filled tour awaits at the notorious Saudi Consulate in Istanbul, now infamous for the mysterious disappearance of Saudi dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi last week.

Saudi Consulate

Mr. Khashoggi entered there to take care of business never to come back out again. It appears that the Saudi monarchy decided to take care of its business with Mr. Khashoggi once and for all, and it wasn’t particularly diplomatic.

Now, to make up for losses, the building owners have decided to cash in on the notoriety and make it into a haunted house for Halloween for all the Western tourists coming into the country.

Be sure to see all these attractions inside the compound:

An entry greeting room that is safely out of view of any nosy surveillance cameras in the event that you want to make your greeting with your guest with batons, rifle butts and fists. Notice the easy to clean granite floors in case the visitor leaves behind any messy bodily fluids from his/her meeting.

From there, one finds passages to four specially designed rooms that the Embassy guests can enter into — and perhaps never come back out of (cue the ‘Hotel California’ music). Each is dedicated to different, special means of ‘welcoming’:

Room A: Lavishly decorated and furnished meeting room specifically for members of the Saudi Royal family and their guests, for diplomats and foreign guests friendly to the Saudi regime and other important visitors that the Saudis wish to impress with their hospitality and generosity.

The next three rooms are reserved for those guests that they wish to impress with their authority and hospitality in other ways:

Room B: For getting informant to snitch on friends, family and accomplishes.

Room C: for getting informant to confess to real crimes against the Royal Family.
Room D: For getting informant to confess to imaginary and concocted crimes designed to make him/her look bad or to cover up for someone in the Royal Family who made a mistake.

Special right hand removal room for those caught pilfering from the Royal Family or from the Embassy.

Interrogation chamber for Saudi women found driving a car in Turkey. (In the middle East the term ‘Interrogation chamber’ can be used interchangeably with the term ‘Torture Chamber.’)

Interrogation Chamber for Saudi women going out in public without a male family escort.

Interrogation Chamber for Saudi women seen in public with a non-family adult male.

Interrogation Chamber for Saudi women doing anything at all period.

Special dismemberment room for getting rid of damning evidence such as dead bodies of famous and not so famous dissidents.

Special plumbing features to get rid of embarrassing fluids such as blood directly to sewer facilities.

Special trap doors that open in the floors of the Consulate and outside on the sidewalk surrounding the compound to ensnare nosy journalists and other snoops who will join Khashoggi in ‘sleeping with the fishes’.

Security cameras that can be easily erased or manipulated to eliminate damning images such as a local cleaning company being allowed in with hazard suits on for cleaning up disturbing fluids off of floors and improvised ‘information extraction’ devices and of Saudi family special agents leaving the premises with heavy, blood spotted luggage.

Admission price is 100 Turkish lira and includes a pair of hazardous fluid gloves and booties for over your shoes.

In further developments:

Turkish police where sent in to investigate the Consulate and the Consulate residence. Of course, the Saudi consulate residents were still there and allowed three days in which to move out their things, take care of personal business and remove any incriminating evidence such as blood stained shirts, bone saws and dismembered limbs before the police came in. It might be noted that Turkish police themselves are very adept at this type of investigation as they are historically quite professional at intelligence gathering and the art of torture, especially under the rule of their new despot Erdogan who also is shutting down the free press.

When asked about U.S. Intelligence Agencies assertion that there is increasing evidence that Saudi Prince bin Salman is very likely behind the possible murder of Khashoggi, President Trump stated on national television “Ah, that is a bunch of malarkey! The spy agencies went after me too. Look, I am still here!” much to the chagrin and regret of many Americans looking on.

Latest Development! President Select Donald Trump sort of admonishes the disappearance and sort of admits it looks like he is dead, but at the same time thinks it is really cool when a Republican Congressman from Montana body slams a U.S. reporter (and the fascist crowd listening to him cheers it’s approval).

Yet another development! The ghost of Jamal Khashoggi has been reported to be wandering the halls of the Saudi Consulate and upsetting workers there. The apparition is heard to be ranting about the treatment of journalists and rebels in the country and expressing faults with the political system. The spirit is terrifying the workers there and disrupting work. On the bright side it is upping the attendance for the tour.

Roger Freed