The Persons, Who Evade From Checking Procedure, Aren’t Supposed for Boarding!

“The Persons, Who Evade From Checking Procedure, Aren’t Supposed for Boarding!”
— Sign at Dnipropetrovsk International Airport (Ukraine)

Welcome, boarding persons to Float Number 285, Ukraine Airlines. We fly Not-Stopping to London, Merry Olde England, obeying Control Tower of London.

boarding sign at Dnipropetrovsk Int'l Airport in Ukraine
Actual sign at Dnipropetrovsk Int’l Airport in Ukraine.

When Captain turns on Fasting Sit Belt sign, please Sit and Belt torso to seat FAST. Please also buckle belt over belly whenever ass on cushion; this makes good float if — BIG mistake! — plane flops in water. The persons, who evade from buckling procedure, aren’t supposed for water boarding!

Is not fine for smoking in lavatories. Is fine for smoking in lavatories, very big fine. The persons, who evade from smoking detector, aren’t supposed for flying and we confiscate tobacco!

If you sit near Emergency Exit, not to panic. In English, “Emergency Exit” means emergency IS LEAVING. Do not leave with it: The persons, who emerge for emergency, aren’t supposed for reboarding!

If vozdookh, air, is evaded, suffocate your proboscis before suffocating the proboscis of the persons who supposed boarding with you.

For eating, flight attendants serve foods of Ukraine: beetroot borsht, zeleny borsht, other borsht. Also pampushkies. In Economy Class, you can buy cheap Economy-Size borshts: in Ukraine we call this “loss litre.” Ha. Please to consume own borscht before evading borsht of persons who supposed boarding with you.

If you evaded from checking luggage, please put suitcases and dresscases in containment above your holova, head, and put bags under seat that confronts your face. Be careful knees do not injure seat. Is fine for hurting seat, very big fine. The persons, who invade seating, are supposed to paying for extra leg room!

Please comport yourself for taking off. If you have portable election device, turn off or set to rezhym u litaku (in English you say “hair piece mode”). Also, put trays in tray comportment and put seat up straight, like soldier, so not invading space of fellow traveler behind you. The persons, who invade other passengers from space, aren’t supposed for liftoff!

Now we go. Remember to obey commandments of flight attendants. They are like Cabinet of Ministers on airplane. The persons, who evade boarding or takeoff instructments, are supposed for boarding school!

Ha.

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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.
Howard Zaharoff

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