[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Special Training Ordered for Troops Set to Face ‘Fearsome Horde’ of Mothers and Children

Troops facing onslaught of mothers and children get special training, including use of new tools like custom “kiddie stun guns.”

special training against mother and children refugees
Military prepares to face fearsome horde of mothers and children.

An anonymous source in the Pentagon has revealed that President Trump has ordered special training for the over 5,000 troops he is sending to the border to deal with the caravan of Honduran refugees that he believes are planning to storm the border. This training, named by the President as “Push Back Brown Hordes,” includes the following elements:

How to defend yourself against attacking children. All troops have been issued special kiddie stun guns and gunny sacks to slip the children into once they have been immobilized. In case the children come in large gangs so they cannot be subdued individually, a series of suspended heavy gauge nets will be placed in front of the troops, which will be dropped on the horde. An automatic cord will then be activated, capturing them all in the net. Special cranes will then pick up the bundled children, similar to picking up netted fish, and deposit them into metal storage containers which will be loaded onto waiting semi trucks to take them to a detention center in the desert, where they cannot escape and endanger the country.

What to do with mothers trying to defend their children. The women may be particularly dangerous, as they have probably been provided with weapons and trained to use them by MS13. Shawls and long skirts are particularly useful for hiding automatic weapons. This is where the contingent of 2000 specially trained dogs are invaluable and need to be released. Once they have subdued the women, they should be hog-tied, not handcuffed, as they have been trained to kick men in the groin to escape.

The President is particularly concerned with the few who might escape into the U.S. despite his efforts. To make identification easier, he is going to issue a Presidential Proclamation requiring all fair skinned children to wear long sleeves and extra sun screen and to be kept indoors as much as possible to avoid tanning. When asked about the children of various ethnic groups in the U.S. who have dark skin, the President just shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to expect collateral damage in any war.”

The only problem the Pentagon has reported in the training program is the difficulty many of the troops are having practicing chasing and using the stun guns on toddlers and preschoolers, since they have to do it on their knees.

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Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda

Diane de Anda is a third generation Latina and retired UCLA professor. Tired of cranking out technical articles in a "publish or perish" atmosphere, she now spends most of her time writing adult fiction, children's books, parody, and satire. Her weapon of choice is the limerick, aimed with humor and a touch of malice at society's icons, celebrities, politicians, and other irritating folk.
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