November Surprises

Will Durst, November Surprises

Donald Trump unleashed a torrent of October Surprises, but he may be in for a big November surprise.

Closing in on the critical midterm elections Donald Trump unleashed a torrent of October Surprises in an attempt to motivate his base; throwing everything up against the wall including the kitchen sink. With a filthy green snake hanging out the drain.

He demonstrated he would say or do anything that could give him or the GOP the slightest emotional boost. He would lie. Cheat. Steal. Defame critics. Invent crises. Exaggerate enemies. Make stuff up. Mischaracterize facts. Promise impossible things. Defy the laws of physics. Dabble in magical realism. With an emphasis on the adjective and none on the noun. Call a spade a club. Call a rock a rifle.

The President initially tried bribing constituents by offering up a middle class tax cut that would take effect before the election only to be told Congress wouldn’t be able to enact it, what with them being nowhere near Washington and all, way too busy with the important American business of getting reelected.

He then switched to frightening voters by portraying an immigrant caravan as a marauding army, full of crime and Mideasterners. And he wasn’t talking about residents of Indiana and Ohio. He insinuated the immigrants were also bringing diseases into our country conveniently ignoring the fact that Guatemala has a higher vaccination rate than we do.

He further vows to send 15,000 troops to repel these hundreds of economic and political refugees who walked across 3 countries to apply for asylum. More troops than are currently in Afghanistan. Talk about using a sledgehammer to push in a thumbtack.

Lastly he promised to dismantle the 14th Amendment, which guarantees birthright citizenship to anybody born in America. When you consider his first wife Ivana gave birth to Ivanka, Don Jr. and Eric all before she became a naturalized citizen in 1988, it’s a good bet there won’t be much of an effort to make the repeal retroactive.

The Oval Office occupant went on to claim that we are the only country in the world that provides birthright citizenship, and he’s only off by about 30 countries. Said someone told him he can do that through an executive order, although legal scholars say whoever told him that, is nuttier than the hospitality suite at a brown squirrel convention.

Trump also executed a nifty midair pirouette jumping on the Obama Care bandwagon claiming to be a proponent of protecting pre-existing conditions, joining other gyrating republicans, some of whom voted over 60 times to get rid of them.

Since we’ve slid past October into November, nobody knows what surprises designed to energize his followers lie in store. Perhaps he’ll declare professional wrestling to be an Olympic event. Promise a hard rain of Susan B Anthony dollars. Announce the calories in a Big Mac have been cut in half.

Deputize all gun owners with explicit permission to shoot the hell out of anybody who “looks at em funny.” Make Sadie Hawkins Day a national holiday. Suspend gravity in rural areas of red states. Give Larry the Cable Guy an Academy Award. Nomination.

Then finally on Election Eve, announce that after speaking personally to God, the Almighty told him all his loving subjects should vote Republican. The question of whether he means God’s loving subjects or his own will be debated by cable news networks until Thanksgiving.

Will Durst
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