Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/24/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

nunchucks

New Yorkers have a constitutional right to nunchucks, Judge rules

… ’cause the only way to stop a bad Mutant Ninja Turtle with nunchucks is with a good Mutant Ninja Turtle with nunchucks!

Megachurch pastor criticized for buying wife $200G Lamborghini – Fox News

Hoping it goes quickly from 0 to 666.

Trump says he’ll be robbed of the Nobel Peace Prize

With so many Chapter 11s you’d think he’d be up for the Nobel Prize in Literature.

Bank employees called cops on black man because they thought his paycheck was too high

This is outrageous… unless it was a Knick!

Happy 75thbirthday, Keith Richards

Damn, dude, you don’t look a day over 107.

Oregon Zoo otter, known for slam dunking and self-pleasuring, dies at age 20

So, he was literally coming and going at the same time!

Trump moves to deport Vietnam war refugees

… in fairness they make his bone spurs act up ….

China’s Xi declares an ‘overwhelming victory’ over graft: State media

… no word on who he paid off to say that.

Jim Mattis leaving the DOD January 1st

Hope he runs for Prez, just so the campaign slogan is ‘Mad Dog 2020.’

Shakira charged with tax evasion in Spain for allegedly owing more than $16.3 million

… so looks like her hips had nothing to do with her tax returns!

RIP, Penny Marshall

Truly in a ‘League of Her Own!’

Canada demands China release Canadians for the first time

Adding: ‘And, sorry for any inconvenience we may have caused, eh?!’

Now Trump’s record high Inaugural fundraising is under investigation

Damn, he might as well have had Soros take care of it; at least Soros gets people to show up!

Wall Street suffers worse loses in a decade

The Stock Market is dropping so fast Moody’s changed its name to ‘PissedOff.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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