[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

“Shut up or the Tangerine Gets it!” FBI Investigates De Niro’s Anti-Trump Death Threats

Things seem to have taken a sour turn, as the FBI investigates De Niro for allegedly threatening to assassinate the President.

Renowned actor Robert De Niro is known not only for his role in the Godfather movies, but also his vociferous criticism of Donald Trump. However, things seem to have taken a sour turn, as the FBI investigates De Niro for allegedly threatening to assassinate the President.

FBI investigates De Niro

It is alleged that at a confidential round table media industry audience with the President, De Niro began to behave disruptively and aggressively. Events first took a sinister turn when De Niro told Ivanka Trump to ‘Zip it, sistah, if you know what’s good for ya!’

The entire White House gasped as De Niro strode towards a picture of Lincoln and theatrically spat at it, just missing the golden frame by a matter of millimeters.

He then turned and said: ‘Hmgh. Nice little White House we got here, Donald… Pity if something happened to it, huh?’

Trump immediately started bawling and screaming, ‘FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!’

De Niro nonchalantly turned his back on the Trump family, and with a husky growl, he said:

‘We don’t take kindly to shysters around here, brother. We ain’t violent people, but seems to me we all know fah sure what’s good for America… Know what I’m sayin’? Capisce?’

As security lunged for him, De Niro roared, ‘I ain’t sayin’ none o’ you gonna be sleepin’ with the fishes, but I have a nice big ass pair o’ concrete shoes, and I’m pretty sure my dainty little tootsies ain’t up to snuff with these shitty little boots! See me and my boys, we don’t make threats! We are men of action! Know what I’m sayin’?’

The good news is that De Niro is likely to be released with charge in the near future, as they are suffering something of a backlog of work in the past, say, couple of years or so.

Now I ain’t sayin’ nuffin more for now!


(Originally published on GlossyNews. Here’s the Glossy News Facebook Page.)

The following two tabs change content below.
Wallace Runnymede
Some say he's savant, but he's hopefully not an idiot... You can read his beautiful poetry, gripping speculative fiction and riotous Swiftian satire and decide for yourself! Books available on Amazon here.