Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/15/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft  is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Dick Cheney, Christian Bale

 

Liz Cheney’s pissed off Christian Bale credited Satan for inspiration on how to play her dad Dick Cheney in ‘Vice.’

Y’think she’s mad?  Wait for Satan’s response!

Man purchases a 631-pound, $3.1 million tuna

Where the hell did he go fishing? Costco?!

People are freaking out about Madonna’s butt

Damn, I’m old enough to remember when references to Madonna’s ass were usually about Dennis Rodman.

Almost all potential terrorists arrive in U.S by plane

So, what we really need to build is a dome and get Jupiter to pay for it.

Happy 55th Birthday Jeff Bezos

What do you get the man who will soon have only 1/2 of everything?

Manafort says any misstatements ‘unintentional’: Court filing

So, in other words, don’t go Russian to collusions.

Google has a roller coaster at CES

Guessing it’s a theme ride about the price of Google Stock Market shares.

U.S Treasury: National Debt ended 2018 more than $2-trillion larger than on the day Trump took office.

Damn, Republicans are now suffering from ‘Attention to the Deficit Disorder.’

Chargers QB Philip Rivers’ wife, Tiffany, prepares for their ninth child

Makes sense, dude plays for the Chargers, so that’s a lot of years with no protection both personally and professionally.

Rep. Steven King questions how ‘white supremacist’ became offensive

So, what’s the difference between writer Stephen King and Congressman Steven King. One writes horror; the other is one!

What Meghan Markle’s belly button popping tells us about her pregnancy

Uh, that we all have way too much free time?!

Trump heads for the border

If that doesn’t get Mexico to build a wall, nothing will.

Taliban seek venue change for peace talks with U.S

I’m thinking Guantanamo, because once they’re already there…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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