Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/6/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Burger King

Burger King new boxed ‘Real Meals,’ include the Pissed Meal, Blue Meal, Yaaas Meal and DGAF Meal, as part of Mental Health Awareness Month

So, instead of a Happy Meal, it’s a ‘Feeling Crappy Meal.’

Trump: ‘I am a young, vibrant man’

Not even if he was standing next to Keith Richards.

Anti-LGBT politician resigns after he’s ‘caught having sex with a man in his office’

In fairness, maybe the sex was awful.

Happy 80th Birthday, Lee Majors

In 2019 dollars that makes you the 72.75 Million Dollar Man.

Attorney General William Barr said he won’t testify in front of the House Judiciary Committee

Damn, he redacted himself!

Chinese family paid admission scandal’s mastermind $6.5 million for a spot at Stanford

In Palo Alto they call that spot a one bedroom… without parking.

Hannity considering bailing on Fox News because he no longer feels the network is loyal to Trump

Damn, Hannity is so far up Trump’s ass he can see the Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet through Trump’s mouth!

Authorities: Alleged Russian spy whale is refusing to leave Norway

No word if there’s enough space in a bathtub at the Ecuadorian Embassy…

Facebook bans Alex Jones, Milo Yiannopoulos, other far right figures

Damn, guess they just pressed ALT/Right/Delete.

Paris Hilton says she’s gotta secret project with Kim Kardashian and she ‘can’t stop looking at my #BestFriendsAss

Causing Kanye to say: “Stop staring at me!”

A cruise ship owned by the Church of Scientology has been quarantined for measles

Man, they go for anything with the word Cruise in it!

You’re reading this correctly: The Dallas Cowboys with back to back picks have selected Michael Jackson and Joe Jackson out of Miami

… and Tito remains Mr. Irrelevant.

Diplomatic crisis averted, Canada’s garbage is returning home from Philippines

Raising the question: Why was Ted Cruz in the Philippines?

Andrew Napolitano says the president’s job ‘is to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution, not to violate it’

No surprise that Barr redacted that out, too…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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