Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/22/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

gecko

Man who died days after allegedly eating gecko ‘rotted from the inside out’

… the worst part is 15 more minutes and he coulda saved 15% on his car insurance.

Vogue: ‘Is America Ready for a Madame President?’

Why not, it was ready for a ‘Madman President.’

Scientists think some supermassive black holes didn’t start as stars

… they began as extras and worked their way up…

New poll shows Trump is the only U.S. president to never reach 50% approval

And, that’s just at cabinet meetings.

Denis pulls out of Tour de France in unclear circumstances

While for everyone else, it ain’t over until the skinny guy pees in a cup.

Happy 52nd Birthday, Vin Diesel

For the environment you might want to consider changing your name to Vin Hybrid…

Don Lemon bursts into laughter while dissecting Rep. Steven King’s latest racist rant

For those wondering: What’s the difference between novelist Stephen King and Rep Steven King? One writes horror stories; the other is one!

R. Kelly was ordered held without bond

Sounds like the judge believed R. Kelly when he says, “I believe I can fly!”

Florida man wearing only a woman’s bra caught on camera breaking into several vehicles

I guess you get support wherever you can find it.

Republicans and Democrats agree at landmark hearing that U.S. marijuana laws are a mess

… bringing new meaning to the term ‘putting it bluntly…’

Kendall Jenner poses topless, reflects on acne being so bad she didn’t want to leave the house

Bet you never thought an entire nation would be rooting for acne?!

Dershowitz: ‘I kept my underwear on’ during massage at Epstein’s mansion’

This one ain’t going to have a happy ending

Jerry Seinfeld’s wife Jessica says she didn’t leave her first husband for the comedian

Although, no word, if it started with her getting in a car to have coffee with the comedian.

Trump rally’s “Send her back!” chant raises new concerns of intolerance

It’s like Trump’s gone from ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to ‘The Amazing Racist!’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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