What were the first Trump cabinet meetings like? Wonder no more…
“OK, are we all here?” demanded the President Select, as he rushed in fashionably late to his own White House staff meeting.
“Yes, Mr. President, all are present,” answered Kellyanne Conway for everyone in the new Trump cabinet.
“Good, good!” mumbled Trump as he busily pulled paperwork out of his attaché case. Looking up and glancing around the room, he hushedly asked his Secret Service men, “Did this room get cleared for bugs? We can’t afford to get any fake news leaks started today.”
“Yes, sir! We checked it two hours before the meeting,” answered the dark coiffured one, his hair being the only distinguishable feature separating him from the other suited, sun-glassed, hands-covering-their-genital-region agents keeping to the background in the room. He faded back into the wallpaper.
“Wonderful, wonderful! So we can relax and just be a bunch of guys and a few broads and just tell it like it is.”
Kellyanne choked a bit on the ‘broads’ part, but she stifled her emotion as she had learned to do early on in her new job as Donald J. Trumps professional throat.
“So, my fellow guys and dolls, we are sitting pretty right now. Thanks to my brilliant engineering of my campaign, I am now chief top dog of the most powerful country on earth and I also have the richest cabinet ever in U.S. history.
“To that I can also thank all the rubes who voted for me. They were an easy pushover. Just tell them you are going to wet nurse them their whole lives and they come out of their lairs.
“Hey, here is a joke for you: What does one have to have to come out on the top of the heap here in America?”
An embarrassed pause followed as no one wanted to give the wrong answer and have to endure Trump’s cutting wrath. Trump glanced around, then answered, “A whole lot of losers!” He then laughed uproariously and smirked at his own witticism. The others nervously laughed along, each following what the others were doing.
“So, Gentlemen and Dames, I picked each of you to help bring this country to the level that it should be — a paradise for capitalists. Many of you are yourselves billionaires or millionaires. Those of you who aren’t are losers. Just kidding, folks, just kidding. Believe me, by the time you are done here you will all be millionaires and billionaires!
“Now here is the battle plan — we go for broke to make ourselves rich. We do it by undercutting the government as much as possible to make sure the way between us and our fortunes is not impeded. We go for the gusto, always making it seem like we are doing the will of the people. As long as we keep that illusion alive, the worker bees who got me elected will go along with it. They keep producing as long as we keep seducing. Anything bad that happens, blame it immediately on Obama. Blaming the last Democratic candidate for all ills is a Republican institution.
“Speaking of which, Mr. Acosta, how are things down at the Labor Department?”
“Just Jim Dandy, Mr. President. We are keeping the unions as crippled as possible while at the same time we are convincing the workers that we are making the system work for them.”
“Now you aren’t really doing that, right?”
“No, of course not, Mr. President!”
“How is the Department of Education looking these days, Betsy?”
“Just ducky, Mr. Trump…”
“Ah, Betsy, I want broads to refer to me as Mr. President too.”
“Oh, I am sorry, Mr. President! Things are going very well. Pretty soon all traces of public schooling will be vanquished and the charter schools will soon be able to make a banquet of federal funds.”
“‘Vanquished’, Mrs. Devos, is that a word they teach in school these days?”
“Why, yes, Mr. President.”
“Let’s drop that one out. I don’t want the kids to grow up using a bunch of terms I don’t understand.”
“Yes, Mr. President.”
“Mr. Adair, you have a really tough job running down the Environmental Protection Agency. Is it less protective than it was in the past!”
“Indeed it is, sir! We are making it free for industries to belch out any noxious mixtures they care to without whacko health nature factors being involved.”
“That’s the spirit, Adair! Pretty soon you’ll be right up there with that other Adair guy, Red Adair, who went around starting oil well fires.”
“Ahhh, he put them out, sir.”
“Don’t correct me, Adair!”
“Now to mister Rick. How are the things down in Texas?”
“Moseyin’ right along sir!”
“Isn’t there a saying, Mr. Perry, that what happens in Texas , stays in Texas?”
“No sir, I think that is about Las Vegas.”
“From now on lets make that about Texas as well and that includes your sorry ass. Just remember I saved it after you lambasted me in the president race and then had to follow my ass all the way here to Washington. Got it?”
“And how are you, Mr. Sessions?”
Sessions stiffens to attention. “Just fine, sir!”
“Keep knocking these eight balls out of the park. We got the Democrats where we want them, under our thumb. We now got the Senate, the legislature, the Presidency and the Supreme court. Lets make history and bring them all through home plate.”
“Got it sir!”
“That’s my boy!”
“And last but certainly the least, Mr. Ben Carson.”
“Cut any good brains lately?”
“Yes sir! That I have done!!”
“Hopefully not your own. Just don’t be cutting on anybodies here. They are going to be needing all the brains they got.”
“I hear and obey, sir!”
“And think on this — I still remember your remarks from the primaries. So make sure you do your job and keep them homeboys out of my neighborhoods, capice?”
“Yes sir, I will do that.”
“So folks, in closing, we are sitting on top of the biggest bank in the world — the U.S. Treasury, and it is kept full by the biggest rubes in the world — those who elected me, the working people of America. I want them to stay rubes. This bank is our piggy bank now, to dip into whenever times get bad and we have to eat hen’s eggs instead of caviar. Keep the rubes rubes, keep the losers losers. Thereby we will always be the winners win. We will always win. And win BIG.”
Clapping sounds all around.