The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Special Counsel Robert Mueller

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller Caricature by DonkeyHotey
Special Counsel Robert Mueller caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

ROBERT MUELLER

Where am I? Who am I? Who are you?

JERRY

Earth to Bob. It’s Jerry Duncan.

MUELLER

I’m in hell. Right?!

JERRY

Close. There’s a 3 degree separation.

MUELLER

That’s a relief. You scared me, Barry.

JERRY

It’s Jerry. By the way, my intern told me that you left your car keys in the green room refrigerator.

MUELLER

No wonder there’s a can of Pepsi in my pants pocket. I’m freezing my balls off.

JERRY

Is this what I can expect when I’m 74 years old?

MUELLER

According to science, being forgetful is actually a sign you are intelligent.

JERRY

Is that why you watch cartoons and take notes?

MUELLER

Absolutely. You’ll find those notes under The Simpsons in Volume 1, page 24 of The Mueller Report.

JERRY

Let’s talk about the 448 pages that you wrote about Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential election. Three years of work at a cost of $25 million dollars to taxpayers. Let me read what they said at CNN. “After listening to hours of staccato testimony from Robert Mueller, why didn’t Mueller say what he really thinks?” Well?

MUELLER

I have a question.

JERRY

Go ahead.

MUELLER

Who is Mueller?

JERRY

Let me refresh your memory. 200 times during 7 hours of testimony on Capital Hill, you refused to answer questions. You said WikiLeaks was “problematic” when Trump boasted about the hacked emails from Hillary Clinton’s account. You wouldn’t comment on Attorney General Bill Barr‘s interpretation of The Mueller Report, and you couldn’t explain the 10 counts of Trump’s obstruction of your investigation.

MUELLER

You’re not my mother.

JERRY

To make matters worse, you didn’t go into detail about Trump’s friend Corey Lewandowski. He told Attorney General Jeff Sessions to curtail your investigation.

MUELLER

Lewandowski. Isn’t he the guy who who wrote The Official Polish Joke Book?

JERRY

Hey, Mueller. Why do Polish names end in ski?

MUELLER

I don’t know.

JERRY

Because they can’t spell toboggan.

MUELLER

Should I add that to The Mueller Report?

JERRY

California representative Ted Lieu said, “The reason you did not indict Trump is because the Office of Legal Council opinion is you can not indict a sitting President.”

MUELLER

Correct. Only if he is standing up.

MUELLER

Guilty as charged!

JERRY

Trump?

MUELLER

No. My cable provider. They doubled my monthly rate.

JERRY

You did say the Russians interfered in the 2016 Presidential elections. This was no hoax and the investigation was not a witch hunt.

MUELLER

The Russians are still meddling in U.S. elections. Is anybody listening?

JERRY

Trump and Putin. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.