[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Senator McConnell Falls, Breaks Flipper

Republicans concerned after Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at home, breaking his flipper.

Many Senate Republicans expressed concern today, after Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at home, breaking his flipper.

Mitch McConnell turtle, flipper“It was horrible,” an aide explained, “we gave him the run of the house over the weekend, and he took a tumble and broke his front flipper. When we came back Monday, we looked for him everywhere, and finally found him. He had wandered off, and got stuck behind the stove. The poor dear was so miserable looking. We took him to the hospital, and they set the flipper and gave him fluids to rehydrate.”

“When I think about what could have happened to our precious man-turtle, I could just…” The aide paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “Well, he’s at home now recuperating. We’ve got him in a shallow pool until he regains his strength. With one damaged flipper he can only swim around in clockwise circles, but that’s pretty normal because he naturally seems to want to turn to the right.”

Senator McConnell vowed to work from home, and issued the following statement: “The vital work of the Senate must continue. I can block legislation just as well from home as I can in Washington D.C.”

Senator McConnell has asked well-wishers not to send cards, but if they could send leafy greens, worms, and live flies (wings removed please), it would be much appreciated.

Dennis Wobber