Trying to salvage his reputation by actually accomplishing something, Mitch McConnell returns home.
WASHINGTON, DC — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, after failing to repeal Obamacare or reform taxes, has decided he will return to his native Galápagos Islands to save his species of tortoise from extinction.
Many thought the Pinta Island Tortoise extinct when Lonely George died in 2012 — little did they know that another member of the species had, very slowly, swum off the island and made it to Washington, D.C.
Burt, a Galápagos finch, was as surprised as anyone. “I always knew lonely Mitch as devious, but I never could have imagined he’d make it this far. He held a grudge against humanity for killing his fellow tortoises, and must have tried to get his revenge by taking away Americans’ health insurance or giving tax breaks to the rich. But now that he’s failed, he’s returning back home to save his own species.”
McConnell’s Senate staff confirmed that he intends to reach Pinta Island within 25 years, right in time for mating season — if he can find another surviving tortoise, that is. While the whole undertaking may seem ridiculous and doomed to fail, that’s never stopped Mitch McConnell before.
Lawmakers back in Washington are concerned McConnell’s disappearance could inspire others and stall the 87th Republican attempt at healthcare reform. There is still no word on whether Paul Ryan will go on an expedition to find his long lost spine, or whether President Trump will return to the Cheetos bag from which he came.
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