Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/13/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Dora the Explorer

‘Dora the Explorer’ hitting movie theaters today

… unless ICE gets her first…

Pair released after ‘mass brawl’ erupted on cruise ship

Damn, some people will do anything to get that last jumbo shrimp at the dinner buffet.

50 years since the Beatles took the famous photo on ‘Abbey Road’

And, it seems like just ‘Yesterday.’

Trump complained about Baltimore in 2015 but blamed the ‘African-American President’

So, I guess that now means all the problems are the fault of the ‘Orange-American President?’

Chapel Hill pastor charged after cache of $24 million in counterfeit Cartier bracelets found

… not to be confused with the priest who smuggled watches, ‘Father Timex.’

Maureen McCormick aka Marcia Brady turned 63

Now when people say to her “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” it’s because she’s a little hard of hearing.

Walmart pulls violent video game displays from its stores, but it will still sell guns

… and require 5,000 pieces of ID to buy Sudafed.

Author Toni Morrison Has Died at 88

‘Beloved,’ indeed. God speed.

Coast Guard finds drug-smuggling submarine with $232 million in cocaine onboard

… now that’s something to sniff at…

Queen Latifah is starring as Ursula in ABC’s live action ‘Little Mermaid’

WTF, they couldn’t find a purple actress to play her?

Jeffrey Epstein dies by suicide in jail

I can’t be only one thinking being on ‘Suicide Watch’ meant watching him commit suicide.

Senator Mitch McConnell broke his shoulder

Sounds to me like Mitch needs to slow down and stop Russian.

About 500 Pizza Hut locations will close in the next year

… bringing new meaning to the Domino theory.

Felicity Huffman has been ‘humbled’ by the college admissions scandal, says Eva Longoria

Unless she paid someone to say they were Eva Longoria… hmmm?

Trump still owes El Paso $569,204 for campaign rally, city says

… Get on it, Mexico!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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