At the new Greatest Show On Earth, laugh at the craziest collection of fools in any circus ever!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, racists and xenophobes, welcome to the Washington Big Top and the Greatest Show on Earth. I’m your ringmaster, D. J. Trump, and we have the finest, most entertaining acts you’ll ever see!
As you’ll notice, we are a three-ring circus, so there’s always something going on. Here in the main ring is yours truly, doing his best to play to your basest fears and prejudices in order to Make America Great Again. I’ll be making the craziest promises, like Building the Wall®, bringing back coal and giving you the biggest tax cut in history.
And after that, I’ll be displaying my amazing animal training skills like making Republican legislators do whatever I want. Then I’ll turn roaring Democrats — with their threats of impeachment — into toothless pussy cats.
While you’re distracted by the main event, we have sideshows in the other two rings. In one ring, you’ll see the funniest, clumsiest performers, in what we’re calling our Krazy Klown Kabinet. Watch as one buffoon after another destroys everything from the public education system to Obamacare to the entire environment.
We’ve got the greatest lineup of fools in any circus anywhere. Laugh at the crazy antics of Betsy “I dunno” DeVos, Ben “Sleepy” Carson and Steve “the Munchkin” Mnuchin.
In the third ring, marvel at my own family acrobatic troop comprising Ivanka, Jared, Eric and Don, Jr. Working without a net, experience or a clue, these high wire maniacs will endeavor to do everything from fix the federal bureaucracy, solve Middle East peace, reform the criminal justice system and act as unofficial diplomats around the world all the while running the country into the ground. The Flying Wallendas have got nothing on the Stumbling Trumps.
And don’t forget our fabulous midway. We’ve got the newest, scariest rides ever including the Trillion Dollar Deficit, the North Korean Nuke and the Climate Change Catastrophe. And remember; no separate tickets needed. Your red MAGA hat lets you on these rides as many times as you like.
If you’re looking for exotic freak shows, we’ve got the freakiest freak shows anywhere. Enter the tent labeled the South Carolina Senator and you’ll be amazed by the legislator named Lindsey who was born without a spine.
And in the adjoining tent is Moscow Mitch, the majority leader who sold his soul to the devil by taking the Hypocritical Oath. Marvel at the man who always says no to Democrats and yes to Republicans even when it’s the same question.
Walk a few more steps and you’re at the Kellyanne tent. Enter and watch this world class juggler spin and pivot with surprising ease. See her turn the truth into fake news as she skillfully avoids the obvious.
Directly across from the Kellyanne tent is our arcade section with a variety of fabulous games. Put a quarter in the Mayor Machine and hear Rudy repeatedly answer any question with the reply “9/11, 9/11.” Or try your hand at the Bootlicker Stand manned by such noted sycophants as Bill Barr, Rick Perry and Mike Pence.
So come one, come all to the circus to end all circuses. We’re even better than the Moscow Circus which is perhaps not surprising since we are a V. Putin Production.