Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/7/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Nickleback

Trump tweet of Nickleback video aimed at Biden removed

Ironically, Nickleback is also the amount of money the average American got back from Trump’s tax cuts!

Two altar boys were arrested for putting weed in the censer-burner

…. they’d have gotten away with it if they hadn’t eaten all the wafers, too.

Sen Sanders reported to be in ‘good spirits’ after heart procedure

Really? He’s in good spirits? So, something’s really, really wrong…

Miley Cyrus’ mom Tish calls her “disgusting” and a “bratty millennial”: Here’s why:

Uh, Sodium Pentothal.

Ricky Martin and husband Jwan Yosef are expecting their fourth child: “I love big families”

So, apparently, ‘La Vida Loca’ is Spanish for ‘Big Sale at Costco.’

“Do Us a Favor”: Call to Ukraine President shows Trump’s interest in using U.S. power for his gain

Makes sense, when it comes to impeachment, instead of Russia, Trump got caught with the Ukraine, a younger, hotter Eastern European country.

American Airlines makes emergency landing after a passenger lights up a joint

… probably afraid they’d run out of those bite size packages of munchies!

Happy 62nd Birthday, Andrew Dice Clay

Look for this commercial endorsement from the Diceman: “Hickory Dickory Dock I need some Viagra for my c*&k.”

Lori Loughlin is allegedly dealing with crippling anxiety

If she’s nervous, imagine how the person she’ll pay to go to prison as her feels?!

Trump’s looking back into Hillary’s emails

If he really wants to “Lock her up,” he should just do what he did with all the other people he got locked up and just give her a damn job.

Woman climbs into lion exhibit at the Bronx Zoo, appears to taunt the animal in viral video

Or, as lions call it “lunch time.”

Hailey Bieber’s wedding reception look is giving us major Meghan Markle vibes

Sounds like she didn’t invite anyone from Meghan’s dad’s side of the family, either.

Man accidentally shoots, kills son-in-law who was trying to surprise him for birthday

…yeah right, ‘accidentally’ wink, wink…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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