The Jerry Duncan Show 100th Episode Celebration

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host celebrates the show’s 100th episode, with several of Jerry’s favorite guests stopping by.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today is the 100th episode of our show and several guests are stopping by. I’ll make sure that I hurl enough insults to last them a lifetime.

100th episode, Roseanne BarrRoseanne Barr surprises Jerry and gives him a bear hug.

JERRY

Jeez. I think you cracked my ribs.

ROSEANNE BARR

I hope so. You creep.

JERRY

Haven’t seen you in awhile.

BARR

I’ve been hidin from the press. Sellin nuts in Hawaii.

JERRY

Are nuts attracted to you?

BARR

Yeah. I grow them macadamias on my farm. My slogan is “I must be part squirrel. I attract all the nuts.”

Sarah Palin joins the conversation.

SARAH PALIN

Congrats, Jerry.

JERRY

Wow. Speaking of nuts.

PALIN

You know I’m divorced.

JERRY

I’m not surprised. Your family is a sitcom.

PALIN

Think about it. I’m the only smart person in the clan.

JERRY

That’s disturbing.

Rudy Giuliani breaks up the conversation.

RUDY GIULIANI

Hey, Sarah. I’ll give you a call. I’m available.

JERRY

Not for long, Rudster. You’re going to prison.

GIULIANI

Wait for me Sarah. I love you!

PALIN

I’ll wait, Rudy. Remember not to skinny dip with snappin turtles.

Mike Pence greets Jerry.

VICE PRESIDENT PENCE

I’m here to save you from sin. “A bastard shall not enter into the congregation.” Book of Deuteronomy 23:2.

JERRY

You’re the expert on bastards. You work for one in the White House. Bye bye, Penster.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez confronts Pence.

CONGRESSWOMAN OCASIO-CORTEZ

Tue res raro. You are a freak!

PENCE

Get away, Devil Woman. I can’t be near you. Satan will find me.

OCASIO-CORTEZ

I joined a satanic cult the other day just for the hell of it. And here’s a secret, Veep. Stormy Daniels has raging hormones and likes men with beady eyes.

PENCE

Don’t tell my wife.

Maxine Waters surprises Jerry.

CONGRESSWOMAN WATERS

I’m gonna whoop your butt if you make fun of me again. I haven’t forgotten the last interview.

JERRY

C’mon. Don’t you have a sense of humor?

WATERS

Sure do. I’m impeaching Trump. Ba ha ha ha.

WATERS

Duncan. Chuck Schumer wants to say something. But first I have a question. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog Rex that he’s adopted?

JERRY

Don’t hurt the little fellas feelings. He may jump the fence and search for his biological parents.

SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER

Hi Duncan. I’m here to announce that I’m running for president.

JERRY

You’re kidding.

SCHUMER

I am. But seriously, you need to walk in the other guy’s moccasins. You have to think what they think. Do you know who said that?

JERRY

Tonto?

SCHUMER

I did. That’s how smart I am. Got a perfect score on my SAT.

JERRY

So what? I read every Mad magazine from cover to cover.

SCHUMER

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

JERRY

May the bird of paradise fly up your nose, Chuckles. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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