[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

SAD! Oligarchs Mourn Untimely Death of America’s Orange Kool Aid Psychopath

America’s best-loved soft drink company ousting Kool Aid mascot.

After decades of bad PR from a number of the most disreputable celebrities on Earth, America’s best-loved soft drink company is finally getting rid of their universally beloved mascot, Kool-Aid Man.

Kool Aid
Image by Raul Mandru, RXM Creative.

There is one drink, and one drink only, that offers such a unique kick to the head that even the headiest grain spirits like Korean Soju or Chinese baijiu cannot even begin to compare. (We were gonna talk about vodka too, but let’s not go there!) No but joking aside, we swear; once you’ve taken this drink, you’ll NEVER want to try anything again!

The preferred tipple of all deranged cult leaders around the world, without exception, has finally got rid of the garish, pumpkin-headed psychopath, the Kool-Aid guy. In a tearful press conference, corporate veterans sobbed that they had only intended to create a cute, cuddly, friendly cartoon character to make the kids feel happy.

No child should ever end up being suicided in the malaria-ridden forests of Guatemala, or caged to death on the Mexican border, without having a nice, sweet drink and a cuddly Kool-Aid tangerine buddy to see them off!

Like all corporations, we have VALUES!

World renowned altruistic charity (some would say intellectual) heavyweights around the globe have released a statement saying condemning this cynical act of corporate wokewashing.

Bill and Melinda Gates

Well what use is having Kool-Aid when you’re about to be killed? This is the worst scam, or at least woefully incompetent design test since our fake HIV cure! And hey, at least we’re trying to move beyond that! The past is the past, you just gotta roll with it!

Warren Buffett

Does anybody believe for one moment that these greedy billionaire assholes at Kool-Aid give a flying f**k about all the people they’ve hurt? And then they want to throw a few pennies at the the kids? Who the hell are you trying to fool???

George Soros, Donald Trump, Pat Robertson, Hillary Clinton

Yup! Well, for once we all agree with each other. The damage is done, boys!

Fox News finally retort:

KOOL-AID IS FAKE NEWS! The Kool-Aid man never existed and there’s an executive order on the way to intern anyone who says otherwise, so they can finally get some psychological rehabilitation! These people need help, they mean well, but they have absolutely no idea what harm they’re doing to our tremendous country!

Unconfirmed rumors from our anonymous sources in the gray hat corporate shitposting community tell us the Kool-Aid managing board have all been signed to re-education & rehabilitation in Manhattan’s FEMA camps, after refusing an ‘offer they couldn’t refuse’ from the typically Deniro-esque Ten Ton Toddler Trump KKKult!

Originally published on Glossy News.

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Wallace Runnymede
Some say he's savant, but he's hopefully not an idiot... You can read his beautiful poetry, gripping speculative fiction and riotous Swiftian satire and decide for yourself! Books available on Amazon here.
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