Flamed Out With Lose It!? Manage Weight Gain with Loosen It!

Lose It! is for losers – get the weight management tool that works for you!

Have you heard friends rave about the popular diet app Lose It! (“Food Tracking Made Easy”) and wondered: why isn’t there a weight management tool that works for me?

Lose It
Lose It! is for losers. Use Loosen It! instead!

Wonder no more! Start the New Year right by downloading our Loosen It! app (“Pound Packing Made Easy”) and immediately experience weight management success… perhaps for the first time in your life!

Yes, you too can avoid the bloated, belly-tight-as-a-kettle-drum feeling that comes when New Year’s treats and eats rapidly expand your waist and hips… and your clothes don’t follow!

Based on proven principles of peer-to-peer overeating and public shaming, Loosen It! will seamlessly connect you to the people, devices, and tailoring you need to manage your weight gain in 2019. We proudly offer both a patent-pending freemium model and our patent-denied premium model.

Loosen It! Freemium: Download our free app and you’ll soon be crushing your food so you can input the exact number of tablespoons you’re about to ingest. Then park your widening backside in the kitchen chair and let the Loosen It! Tummy Expansion Algorithm (catchy acronym: TEA) immediately tell you –

  • How many centimeters you’re about to add to your waist,
  • How many additional holes you should add to your belt, and
  • When you’ll need the next size pants.[1]

Loosen It! Premium: Our premium Loosen It! lets you access our electronically programmable line of elastic clothing. Just place your order, then wait patiently for the arrival of your Loosen It! wardrobe, populated with our top-secret RFID chips that seamlessly calibrate your burgeoning girth[2]. In no time you’ll join the hundreds who proudly proclaim: “I loosened up with Loosen It!”[3]

Our Philosophy: We at Loosen It! believe that people need to be rewarded, nay encouraged, to eat how and what they want, when and where they want, belly be damned. Our proven methods will help you adapt to the new chubbier-but-happier YOU!

For example, many people complain that the most challenging aspect of dieting is that you don’t get extra credit for extra willpower: To your body there is no difference between walking through an empty kitchen, and navigating a room overflowing with kettle corn, mixed nuts, home-made brownies, and fruitcakes. Yet to the dieter, the former is no challenge, while the latter is stressfully difficult (except for the fruitcakes).

Loosen It! credits you for willpower. In fact, it encourages you to eat up to 50% of all bypassed calories. Suppose you’re buying coffee at Dunkin Donuts and, exercising extreme self-control, skip two favorites, a Glazed Jelly Stick (480 calories) and a Coconut Donut (400 calories). Loosen It! says: award yourself a Blueberry Butterball (420 calories)! It’s all part of the patently-obvious Loosen It! program!

Loosen It! also gives you time-tested and novel tips and tricks.

For example:

  • If you don’t want people to see how many empty calories you’re eating:
    • Surround them with a bed of greens (the calories, not the people)
    • Melt them in a tureen of soup (same)
    • Divert people’s attention with hand puppets, then pop those calories into your mouth when no one is looking
    • Pretend someone is force-feeding you, using your own hands to stuff food into your mouth, while saying “No, no, stop that” and looking distressed – people will laugh hysterically and not realize what you’re up to!
  • If you want to appear thinner, despite the stupefying weight gain:
    • Wear high heels or platform shoes to appear taller
    • Dress in vertical stripes (order today and get 25% off our prison ensemble!)
    • Pull your pants down to your hips or, in extreme cases, your knees
    • Stand near fat people

So don’t “lose it” by being constrained by constipation or beleaguered by bloat. Start the New Year right, fatness-perception-control-wise, by joining our Belt Loosening Tweeters (catchy acronym: BLT[4]) community today!

Endnotes

  1. Tablespoon not included. Auger not included. Pants not included
  2. Join today and get a complimentary seat belt extender!
  3. I loosened up with Loosen It!” is a registration-pending service mark of The Loosen It! And Watch Your Belly Grow Company, Inc. (“Watch Your Belly Grow” is also a my-lawyer-said-register mark of The Loosen It! And Watch Your Belly Grow Company, Inc.)
  4. The catchy acronyms TEA and BLT are also aggressively-asserted trademarks of The Loosen It! And Watch Your Belly Grow Company, Inc. Any use of these by anyone anywhere without our consent will be met with harsh and costly letters from our lawyers. So let’s not go there!
The following two tabs change content below.
Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.
Share
Share