Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/16/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Let It Snow
“Let It Snow,” indeed, Santa!

Walmart Canada pulls ‘Let It Snow’ Christmas sweater featuring a cocaine-using Santa

Well, at least, we now know how Santa gets all that energy!

Kourtney Kardashian swears by apple cider vinegar for healthy hair

…while the rest of us just swear at Kourtney.

Chick-fil-A to end donations to Christian charities after LGBT backlash

No word if they plan to commemorate the event with a new sandwich the Chick on Chick-Fil-A.

Trump meets Russian envoy Lavrov at White House during Washington visit

Not surprising Lavrov was at the White House; it’s probably that time of the year to change the batteries in the bugging devices.

The wife of Papa John’s founder John Schnatter has filed for divorce

Ironically, those Dominoes keep falling.

‘Aladdin’ spinoff featuring Prince Anders in the works at Disney

What a relief.  At first, I read that as Prince Andrew… who no Disney Princess would be safe around.

Man who ate $120,000 banana at art show says “I’m not sorry”

… although he did experience sickness because that banana was too rich for his blood…

Elizabeth Hurley names Matthew McConaughey as her best on-screen kiss

Well, ‘alright, alright, alright…’

‪Harvey Weinstein appears in NYC courtroom using walker

No, not a street walker, an actual walker.

National Enquirer honcho David Pecker has met with New York prosecutors investigating Trump

Better headline: Trump gets shaft from Pecker.

Jessica Biel reportedly pushed Justin Timberlake to issue public apology

Somebody went from N’Sync to N’The Doghouse.

Teri Hatcher dons a bikini and opens up about fitness and having body confidence at age 55

Apparently, they’re still “real and spectacular!”

Denuclearization is off the table in negotiations with the United States, North Korea’s ambassador to the United Nations says

… sounds like Kim heard Trump was running around with hotter, Junger Un…

Trio drives from New York to Los Angeles in 27 hours, setting new Cannonball Run record

Woulda been 12 hours but, y’know the 405…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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