Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/9/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Irishman
‘The Irishman’ named best film of the year.

National Board of Review named ‘The Irishman’ best film of the year

…and, given its length, part of next year’s, too…

Jacob Epstein jail guards charged with falsifying records

On the upside, they did get into USC.

Simon Cowell lawyers up from abroad as ‘America’s Got Talent’ investigation begins

Makes sense, if there’s one thing America’s got more than talent, it’s lawyers.

Hillary Clinton tells Howard Stern she’s not a lesbian

Although, she was going to run on the slogan: “A chicken in every pot, and a Subaru in every garage.”

Sarah Sanders said, “I don’t like being called a liar”

I don’t believe her!

Trump claimed Ivanka created 14 million new jobs

… damn, that’s a lot of happy Chinese!

Happy 118th Birthday Walt Disney

Can’t wait for your reality TV show: ‘Unfrozen.’

Motorola’s bringing back Razor flip phone

The cost is $1500, so it’s really called a flip phone because that’s what people are doing when they hear the price.

Kamala Harris out of Prez race

… So, Maya Rudolph will have more time to spend with family…

Queen cancels Prince Andrew’s 60th birthday party after Epstein scandal

… especially because it was planned for Chuck E Cheese.

Justin Timberlake breaks silence on cheating rumors with apology to Jessica Biel

And, announced his new single ‘Bringing Sleeping on the Sofa Back.’

Fox News host says unlike Biden, Trump doesn’t take insults “personally” and isn’t “combative”

C’mon, an actual orange has a thicker skin than Trump.

Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends plan séance to connect with Playboy founder

Is that table rising or is Hef just happy to see us?

Cyber Monday biggest online shopping day in US history

Luckily, now we can all go back to using the internet for what it’s was intended…. crazy cat videos and porn!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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