[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump White House Affair Exposed

Rift between Donald and Melania caused by strange affair

After more than a year of speculation that President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump have not been sharing a bed, the likely reason for that sad condition has finally has been exposed… and, to everyone’s surprise, it’s about an affair, but not the one with Stormy Daniels.

affair, goatIn fact, the President has been having an illicit affair all this time in the White House… with a Norwegian coast goat. Several sources have confirmed that the white, long-haired beauty, known for its thick wool and docile disposition, has been sneaking into Trump’s bedroom quarters nearly every week night since last February when it became clear that Melania preferred her NYC digs – or anyplace The Donald doesn’t sleep, or eat, or watch TV.

Immediate reaction was mixed. Democrats decried the low moral character embodied in a man-goat relationship, and called on the President to resign.

“This type of behavior is unbecoming of the leader of the United State and the free world,” fumed Democratic minority leader Chuck Schumer. “Furthermore, it’s not the least bit shocking that the President chose to befriend a Norwegian coast goat, not a Nigerian dwarf goat or a Yemenese mountain goat. It just highlights his thinly disguised bias in favor of immigrants of northern European stock.”

Many Republicans rushed to the president’s defense in hastily arranged press conferences. In particular, Paul Ryan cited his admiration that Trump has chosen to bestow refugee status to a member of an endangered species that is down to less than 200 breeding mates. He also chided the press for reporting this story without “definitive proof, like photos of the happy couple in bed sharing cheeseburgers while watching Hannity heap praise on this wonderful example of diversity outreach.”

The strongest defense of President Trump’s alleged affair, however, came from the Evangelical community, which usually frowns on husbands cheating on their spouses, especially when the cheatee is a non-human species. Tony Perkins, president of the conservative Family Research Council, was emphatic that the “mulligan” the Evangelical community gave Trump for his dalliance with a porn star extends to goats, or sheep, or small furry animals, regardless of color or creed. He also lauded the President’s willingness to “embrace the cause of many fine people in the bestiality community, which gets an undeserved bad rap.”

After a half-day of silence, President Trump finally tweeted his side of the story;

“Reports of me and Elke engaging in carnal relations is TOTALLY “Fake News.” Couldn’t happen! NO ATTRACTION. Even a Norwegian Forest “pussy” would not be my type. BELIEVE ME!! Golden-haired apes with HUGE chests are more my style. HUBBA-HUBBA!!

A CNN poll of likely voters reports that 23% of voters say they have no interest in President Trump’s bedtime habits, 26% say, if true, this would be an impeachable offense, and 51% say they feel sorry for Elke.

Rick Blum