The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Think Tank No. 3: Carson, Pelosi & Christie

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. We have some special guests. HUD Secretary Dr. Ben Carson, Minority Leader of the House Nancy Pelosi and former Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie.

carson, pelosi, christieJERRY

I’m expecting a spirited debate about the State of the Union.

CHRIS CHRISTIE

Thanks for having us.

BEN CARSON

What do you mean us?

NANCY PELOSI

Chris is talking about the missing hitchhiker he swallowed.

CARSON

Oh.

JERRY

What is the state of the union?

PELOSI

Pathetic. People are working more than one job to make ends meet. Just look at the teacher strikes in Arizona, Colorado, Oklahoma and Kentucky. And yet, the president gave a tax cut to himself and his wealthy friends who don’t need the money.

CHRISTIE

I disagree. What do you think, Ben?

Carson is snoring.

PELOSI

Wake up! I don’t have all day.

CHRISTIE

Why? You have a makeover scheduled? Look, America is moving in the right direction. We are dismantling the EPA so we can have more coal plants and oil refineries. Creates jobs.

PELOSI

It pollutes the air and water. I caught a two-headed fish on a camping trip last weekend.

CARSON

Two heads, big deal. I separated Siamese twins.

JERRY

Wait a second, Sleepy. Didn’t those twins die?

CARSON

Next question.

JERRY

Okay. Why are you qualified to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development?

CARSON

What’s that?

JERRY

HUD.

CARSON

Now I know what you’re talking about. Trick question, Duncan.

JERRY

No it isn’t. Tell us why you’re qualified.

CARSON

I lived in a ghetto.

Carson nods off. Loud snoring is heard.

CHRISTIE

That’s like saying I can be in Bruce Springsteen’s band because I’ve attended 141 of his concerts.

JERRY

Wow. You’re a HUGE fan.

A door slams. House Speaker John Boehner enters with a six pack of beer.

BOEHNER

I’m back everyone.

JERRY

Oh man. It’s John Boehner.

BOEHNER

And I’m mad as hell. Somebody stole my wine so I have to settle for beer. You know Gary, everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have a beer.

JERRY

It’s J-E-R-R-Y. Do you know what that word spells?

BOEHNER

Coors.

JERRY

The man is hopeless.

BOEHNER

(weeping) I started working in my dad’s tavern when I was eight. I swept the floor, cleaned the windows and brought the empty liquor bottles to the dumpster. Of course I was responsible for some of those bottles being empty. I feel bad.

CHRISTIE

Don’t. Do you think I feel bad because I ate all the donuts in the green room? It’s survival of the fattest, my man.

BOEHNER

I didn’t need to drink my old man’s liquor. When I was an alter boy, I drank all the communion wine I wanted. Father O’Brien suspected the nuns. I fooled him every time.

JERRY

No wonder they call you Boner.

Carson wakes up from a deep sleep.

CARSON

(confused) It’s not time for school, mommy.

JERRY

Hey Carson, where does an injured sandwich go?

CARSON

Urgent care?

JERRY

The ‘Mayo’ Clinic.

PELOSI

C’mon, there’s no time to screw around. Trump is going to meet with Kim Jung-un and he’s not prepared. Thinks the DMZ is a Korean rapper. Lord help us.

JERRY

I remember when the Trumpster was in Beijing last year. He asked President Xi if anyone served good Chinese.

CHRISTIE

You’re making me hungry. Is it time for lunch?

CARSON

My watch says 8:30 a.m.

PELOSI

His stomach says noon.

BOEHNER

(burping)

Remember Larry. Pretty woman make us buy beer…ugly women make us drink beer.

JERRY

That’s it for today. I’m going nuts. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He is co-producing the play Before We're Gone by Jerry Small opening July 5, 2018 at Thirteenth Street Repertory Company in New York City.
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