The State of the Union address requires a proper drinking game for sanity. Here you are.
How to Play:
Any grouping of American taxpayers: including at least one white guy wearing a suit, somebody in a blue work shirt, and one senior citizen.
One shot glass per person. Everybody brings their own, grouped on a table in front of TV. No matter who brings what, white guy in suit chooses first, work shirts pick next, then everybody else except the senior citizen, who goes last.
Bowl of guacamole and chips. If women are playing, they should make the guacamole and take care of the beer.
Everybody antes 5 bucks.
Rules of the Game:
- Every time Donald Trump says the words “collusion,” or “fake news” drink a shot of beer.
- Whenever the president sniffs, slurs or mispronounces a word, drink a shot of beer. If he gets name of a world leader wrong, drink two shots of beer. If he blows name of a cabinet or family member, chug an entire beer.
- Whenever DT mentions the brave members of our armed forces, stand up, salute with your right hand and drink a shot of beer with your left.
- For every reference to golf or one of his golf resorts, drink a shot of beer. Two shots if the resort is mentioned by name.
- If Speaker Paul Ryan or First Lady Melania is caught napping on camera, the last person to stand up and sing “Wake Up, Little Susie, Wake Up” drinks two shots of beer.
- Every time the president mentions Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion drinks two shots of beer.
- When the camera finds Kellyanne Conway, everybody throw chips dipped in guacamole at TV. Anybody who gets a chip to stick on her face is exempt from drinking 2 shots of beer. 3 shots if it looks like a little beard.
- If, during a standing ovation, the president claps for himself, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits. If he winks or points to the camera make it double shots.
- For every actual emotion Mike Pence displays besides smug satisfaction drink a shot of beer.
- Whenever the president mentions “building the wall” drink a shot of beer. Multiply the shots by the number of syllables in the adjectives used. “Big wall” means one extra shot. “Beautiful wall,” three more shots. “Tremendous, fantastic, amazing wall” — you figure it out.
- Predict the number of applause breaks. After the speech, drink number of shots of beer equal to difference between your estimate and actual number. The average is 80.
- If Chief of Staff John Kelly’s transmission link breaks and Trump begins to mumble excerpts from Hugo Weaving’s soliloquy in the first “Matrix” on how humans stink, everybody gets to kick white guy in suit once.
- White guy in suit gets to kick old person twice just on general principles.
- If the president uses a heartfelt story of a senior citizen’s grace under pressure to illustrate a point, the elder gets 15 seconds to kick white guy in suit. 30 seconds if Trump reveals the anecdotal senior is in the audience AND sitting next to an astronaut or member of the Trump family. 45 seconds if it’s Tiffany or Barron.
- During the Democratic response, woman players should clean up.
- Remaining guacamole and chips go home with senior citizen who also gets to keep the Tupperware container.
- White guy in suit takes pot.