Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/14/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rudy Giuliani, headlines today

Rudy Giuliani parted company with his law firm

… and his sanity.

Melania Trump starts ‘Be Best’ campaign

Or, as it’s also known, ‘Just Say No to Grammar.’

Nestle is paying $7.2 billion to sell Starbucks coffee

What’s that like a 1/2 dozen Venti Frappuccinos?

Gibson guitar maker files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection

… guess all their deals really did have strings attached.

North Korea frees 3 American prisoners ahead of a planned Trump-Kim summit

Must’ve been awkward ’cause I thought he didn’t like people who got captured.

Eric Schneiderman, accused by 4 women, quits as New York Attorney General

Look for the new movie ‘Fifty Shades of What the Hell is Wrong With You?’

Kansas man arrested for allegedly trying to have sex with car

… woulda got away with it, if he hadn’t put in a claim for the car getting rear ended.

Trump paid back Michael Cohen for Stormy Daniel slush fund pay offs in installments

Now that’s a lay-a-way plan.

Katy Perry ends Taylor Swift feud with actual olive branch

So, that’s what Jared Kushner’s been up to… instead of working on the Middle East.

Novartis paid Cohen $1.2 Million for a single meeting

Novartis is the worst name ever for a porn Star…

Reports are that John McCain doesn’t want Trump at his funeral

It wasn’t likely anyway unless they bury McCain on a golf course.

It’s Mother’s Day!

Or, as Mike Pence calls it ‘Creepy Pet Name for Your Wife Day.’

Town & Country apologizes for dis-inviting Monica Lewinsky to an event after Bill Clinton RSVP’d

I get it, but the only way it would have been more awkward is if the event was held at a BJ’s Restaurant.

AT&T CEO: We made ‘big mistake’ hiring Cohen, chief lobbyist out

Adding: “We shoulda gone to Jared!”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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