Insider sources reveal negotiations behind the release of three Americans
Unnamed insider sources revealed today that as part of the original negotiations, the Trump Administration had planned to send Rudy Giuliani, Michael Cohen and Jeff Sessions to North Korea in exchange for the release of three Americans being held in a prison in Pyongyang.
Initially cool to the idea, Kim Jung-un altered his position after aides pointed out the valuable role each could play in furthering the aims of the regime.
“We’ve had our eye on Giuliani for a while,” said a spokesperson for Kim. “Discipline and obedience play very important roles in the way we keep order here and Rudy’s scary face will be a valuable tool in bringing unpatriotic people into line.”
“Experiments have shown that when exposed to a mere photo of him grinning,” he explained, “even strong men shiver and cry and agree to almost anything. Being able to threaten dissenters with actually seeing him in the flesh will give us leverage over even the worst malcontents without resorting to physical torture.”
The regime’s plan for Michael Cohen was more straightforward; just have him continue doing what he’s been doing.
“Cohen’s like a loyal guard dog who will take a bullet for his master whoever that may be,” said a spokeperson. “And that’s a quality that can come in very handy in North Korea.
Additionally, the North has concluded they can make money on the deal. “If he laundered money for the Russian mob in America why can’t set up the same kind of thing for the Chinese in the New North Korea,” said one senior official.
Jeff Sessions’ value is as an example of proper attitude and behavior in the face of daily humiliation, a situation experienced by most of the North Korea’s people.
Kim has watched with interest and admiration as Sessions has taken numerous shots to the gut without ever even flinching. To drive home the message preparations are under way to create a poster and video campaign showing a happy and smiling Sessions being deprived of food and water, cleaning toilets and running through the streets of Pyongyang naked.
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