The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Governor Nikki Haley

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Nikki Haley, former S.C. Governor and Jeff Sessions, former U.S. Attorney General.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Nikki Haley, former Governor of South Carolina and Jeff Sessions, former U.S. Attorney General.

Nikki Haley by DonkeyHotey
Nikki Haley caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning, Governor Haley.

NIKKI HALEY

How y’all doing?

JERRY

I’ll let you know if the inmates don’t take over the asylum.

JEFF SESSIONS

Are you inferring we’re crazy?

JERRY

Knock knock.

SESSIONS

Who’s there?

JERRY

Stupid.

SESSIONS

Stupid who?

JERRY

Stupid you. That’s who. Now go back to helping Santa at the North Pole. You’re his favorite elf.

HALEY

Jeff. If you don’t get elected Senator in Alabama next year, I’d like you to be the iddy biddy ornament on my Christmas tree.

SESSIONS

Sounds like a plan, Miss Haley.

JERRY

Nikki. I see you wrote a book.

HALEY

Surprised?

JERRY

Yeah. I didn’t know you could read.

HALEY

It’s called With All Due Respect: Defending America With Grit And Grace. I talk about my career in politics from Governor of South Carolina to U.S. Ambassador at the UN.

JERRY

And how you disgraced former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and former White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.

HALEY

What? Where did you get that information?

JERRY

It’s in your book.

HALEY

Brain fart. Had a ghost writer.

JERRY

You said that Tillerson and Kelly tried to undermine Trump and asked you for their help. They felt he had destructive impulses, especially when it came to foreign policy.

HALEY

Ah ah ah. Next question.

JERRY

What is the biggest accomplishment in your career?

HALEY

As you know, my parents were born in India. I’d have to say I’m most proud of the Indian dating service I founded called Love Kuri. Because of me, we now have more engineers and 7-Eleven stores in America.

JERRY

General Sessions. You’ll always be remembered for being the architect of a cruel immigration policy that left children in cages on the Mexican border. Separating them from their parents.

SESSIONS

The Bible said I needed to do it.

JERRY

What’s their crime?

SESSIONS

They’re acting like human beings.

JERRY

You’re more prejudice than I thought.

SESSIONS

That’s what my mama used to tell me, so it must be true.

HALEY

It’s wrong. Jeff Sessions doesn’t represent who we are as a nation. It reminds me of a famous Indian man who was backwards in his thoughts like Jeff.

JERRY

What was his name?

HALEY

I think ReverSingh.

SESSIONS

It was Bundair Dundat, you idiot. Learn history.

HALEY

I know elves like you weren’t born on this planet.

SESSIONS

And I know you’re a liar. You were born in Kenya.

HALEY

That was Obama. Stick to the Republican talking points, Shorty.

SESSIONS

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a hard kick in your rear will hurt you.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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