Which is a Witch? Bring Back Ye Olde Tests!

We may need to bring back ye olde techniques for ferreting out witches and sorcerers.

Lately it seems that everyone in Washington is talking about witches. Rudy Giuliani recently stated that the Salem Witchcraft Trials had a higher standard of due process than the Trump impeachment inquiry. An Alabama pastor also just announced that he was praying for Trump to defeat the deep state “witchcraft.” Actually, the pastor was speaking in tongues, so no one is sure what he was saying. And we all know that since Congress began investigating the president, “The Donald” has been calling the probe a “witch hunt.” Is it time to bring back witch tests?

bring back witch tests
Photo by Universal History Archive/REX/Shutterstock (2548136a).

If in fact there really is black magic being practiced in Washington, we are doing a terrible job of ferreting out the evil wizards. In the late 17th century we knew how to hunt down witches, as we remember from the Salem Witch Trials. But there hasn’t been a good witch hunt in over three hundred years. I think it’s because we have lost the art of identifying the sorcerers among us. Yet there is plenty of evidence that witchcraft is being practiced in our nation’s capital.

In Salem, when young girls started screaming and flying into fits, the Puritans considered this a sign that someone was bewitching the girls. Similar evidence was on display in Congress when Matt Gaetz (R-FL) and Jim Jordan (R-OH) started screaming and flying into fits while slamming the impeachment process. There is no doubt that they were under an evil spell. It is also clear that many Senate Republicans have been in some kind of trance since the 2016 election.

Fortunately, all of the tools used to determine if someone is an evil enchanter have not been lost. We may need to bring back the use of these techniques again.

One such test included weighing the suspected witch against a stack of Bibles. The Puritans believed that if the accused weighed more than the Bibles then they were guilty and if they weighed less they were, well… guilty.

There was also the prayer test, in which the one under suspicion is required to recite the Lord’s Prayer. If they can’t do it perfectly they must be a witch. This might be difficult for our bible challenged president but it would be a cakewalk for a good Catholic girl like Nancy Pelosi.

Another way to spot a sorcerer is if you find someone speaking in tongues. If they have been caught doing that, they are a witch, or they may just be an Alabama pastor. Some people have accused both Donald J. Trump and Nancy Pelosi of speaking in tongues, but in both cases it turned out that their dentures had just slipped. Note, speaking in really poor English or using made up words doesn’t count.

There is also something called the touch test. This is based on the idea that victims of black magic would have a significant reaction to physical contact with the evildoer.

And finally, you could look to see if the accused talks to animals or animals are seen acting strangely around him/her. Then it is likely that they are an evil wizard.

Some Democrats have begun to suspect that Trump is actually a witch (warlock) himself, based on these last two tests. It is clear that many women have claimed to have had a significant reaction to being physically touched by him. And the president has, without a doubt, surrounded himself with oddly behaving lemmings and lapdogs.

Using these tools, we should be able to more easily and effectively identify any witches in Washington. While some of these tests do lead to the conclusion that Trump is a warlock, I don’t believe it. Instead, I think that he is merely a puppet under the powerful spell of an evil Russian wizard.

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John C. Wade

John C. Wade

John C. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).
John C. Wade

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