The Jerry Duncan Show New Year’s Eve Party 2020

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host hosts a New Year’s Eve Party with special guests!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good evening listeners nationwide. Is it a good evening? We’ll soon find out. Tonight we are celebrating my New Year’s Eve Party with some special guests.

New Year's Eve PartyJERRY

Hi Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez

CONGRESSWOMAN ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ

Eres una cara de idiota.

JERRY

An idiot. Right?

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Close. You are a jerk face.

JERRY

That’s pretty low. Something must be bothering you.

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Damn straight. Turtle Mitch McConnell went on a feeding frenzy and ate all the lettuce in the salad bar. Now I’m stuck with a bunch of cherry tomatoes and olive pits.

JERRY

I’ll straighten him out. He’s toast.

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Speaking of which. I always wondered. Bread goes in. Toast comes out. But where does the bread go?

JERRY

No wonder blondes are telling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez jokes.

ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR

Hello, Mr. Duncan. Just wanted to let you know I’m deporting Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez after your party.

OCASIO-CORTEZ

What?! I hope you’re not allergic to nuts, because you’ll be swallowing your pair if you come near me.

SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR

I couldn’t help overhearing what you said to Attorney General Barr. That’s no way for a lady to talk. Not in Minnesota.

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Hey, Miss Budinski. What’s the only thing that grows in Minnesota?

KLOBUCHAR

Corn?

OCASIO-CORTEZ

The swelling from your head that’s gonna be jacked by one of my hommies.

KLOBUCHAR

My apologies, Baby One Punch.

SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL

I have a beef, Duncan. You ran out of lettuce.

JERRY

I have a beef, too. You’re ugly.

MCCONNELL

Why? Just because I won’t allow a fair Senate Impeachment Trial against Trump?

JERRY

No. Because you’re the only person I know who went through The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland and came out with a job application.

JERRY

Lookie here. It’s Vice President Joe Biden.

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

Duncan. Democrats have to take back the Senate. Turtle McConnell needs to retire to his pond in Kentucky.

MCCONNELL

I can’t. I’m a shellebrity.

BIDEN

Gridlock will not magically disappear as long as Mitch McConnell is Senate Majority Leader.

MCCONNELL

You’re so old, your birthday cake looks like a prairie fire. I’m outta here.

BIDEN

Good riddance.

JERRY

Why it’s Democratic presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg.

MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG

Hi Jerry. Hi Joe.

BIDEN

Did you get a driver’s license? Is that why you’re here?

BUTTIGIEG

I’m not a teenager. I’m going to be the next president of the United States.

JERRY

How can you be? Nobody can pronounce your last name.

BIDEN

I can pronounce it.

JERRY

Prove it.

BIDEN

Okay. Butt kick. Kick butt?

BUTTIGIEG

No.

BIDEN

Butting heads?

BUTTIGIEG

C’mon. One last try.

BIDEN

Booty call.

BUTTIGIEG

Not even close.

BIDEN

My memory is bad.

JERRY

How bad is it?

BIDEN

How bad is what?

JERRY

Good grief. Happy New Year everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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