Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Criminal Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, generously taking time away from representing Donald Trump in his impeachment trial.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Criminal Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz.
JERRY
Hi Alan.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ
Hello.
JERRY
For the record. Who’s uglier, O.J. Simpson or Harvey Weinstein? You’ve seen their mugs up close.
DERSHOWITZ
Honestly. They both look like something I drew with my left hand. It’s sad. O.J. told me that his earliest childhood memory was watching his parents loosen the wheels on his stroller. Harvey had a similar story. He recalled asking his mom if he was pretty or ugly. She told him that he was pretty ugly.
JERRY
You’re 81 years old. You’ve defended high profile criminals like Claus Van Bulen, O.J. and Harvey Weinstein.
DERSHOWITZ
Yep. I’m the last resort when a defendant has few legal options.
JERRY
And now Donald Trump in his Senate Impeachment Trial. Why?
DERSHOWITZ
Abuse of power isn’t impeachable. I’m against impeachment.
JERRY
Trump was caught red-handed withholding aid from the Ukrainians unless they dug up dirt on Joe Biden. O.J. was caught with a bloody glove and knife. Claus Van Bulen was caught with a syringe that he used to overdose his wife. Harvey Weinstein was caught with his pants down. You got some splainin to do, Lucy.
DERSHOWITZ
These fine people were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Claus’s wife Sunny went into a fatal coma from low blood sugar. O.J. had just butchered a steer for dinner, not his wife Nicole. And Harvey Weinstein is so fat that he couldn’t even unbuckle his pants. The women were lying about being sexually assaulted.
JERRY
C’mon, Colostomy Bag. You’re so crooked, when you smile your mouth looks like it’s throwing up gang signs.
The studio door bursts open. Rudy Giuliani enters.
RUDY GIULIANI
Don’t let him intimidate you, Dershy. We’re here to save the president. We have the biggest liars, I mean lawyers for the defense. Ken Starr and Robert Ray. It’s a dream team.
JERRY
Right. Ken Starr was pushed out as president of Baylor University for his handling of sexual misconduct by the football team. And Ray was once charged with stocking a former girlfriend.
GIULLIANI
Bad examples. I’m going to hire Jacoby and Meyers. They specialize in disasters.
JERRY
Like your three marriages?
GIULIANI
The last divorce was difficult, because there was a child involved. My wife.
JERRY
Tell me about your text messages to and from Lev Parnas.
GIULIANI
Who?
JERRY
The fixer who threatened withholding military aid to President Zelensky on your behalf. There was also strong arm tactics to remove the U.S. Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch on orders from Trump. Guess you can do anything in the Ukraine with money.
DERSHOWITZ
Money isn’t everything. There’s Mastercard and Visa. But I’m donating any money I receive for my legal services to charity.
JERRY
What charity?
DERSHOWITZ
Spiders With No Legs. These spiders desperately need help, because they post stuff on the web.
JERRY
Knock, knock!
DERSHOWITZ
Who’s there?
JERRY
Spider.
DERSHOWITZ
Spider who?
JERRY
Spider what everyone says, I sort of like you. But don’t let it get go to your head. I’m not warm and fuzzy.
GIULIANI
Do you like me?
JERRY
Hell no, Rudy Ghouliani. You are rotten to the core.
GIULLIANI
(pleads) Save me, Duncan. What do I need to do to make everything right?
JERRY
I’m not real big on repentance, I like revenge better.
GIULLIANI
Anything, Duncan. You name it.
JERRY
Okay. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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