The Jerry Duncan Show Play Pages 72-78 (final pages)

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: Its NYC run was cut short due to the coronavirus. But you can read it all right here! And now, for the finale…

Behind the screen, it is set up like a prison. There are prison bars in the background. Standing are silhouettes of Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in handcuffs.

Jerry Duncan Show play
Jerry Duncan Show logo.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks, then rubs his shoulders like a boxing trainer. Jerry throws fake punches.

INTERN

Go get em, Tiger.

Intern hands him the microphone.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?

INTERN

It’s the best morning.

JERRY

Today our show is coming from Sing Sing prison in upstate New York. My guests are former President Donald Trump and his former campaign manager Paul Manafort.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

Prison is a beautiful thing. It’s HUGE! I finally got to see my wall. Look, Duncan. There’s my friends and former cabinet.

JERRY

Love it. They look great in stripes. So many. Ryan Zinke, Jeff Sessions, Scott Pruitt, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Pence, William Barr, Roger Stone. It’s chain migration.

TRUMP

And more. There’s sloppy Steve Bannon walking with a ball and chain. He’s in solitary for popping a zit in the guard’s face.  Steve climbed the ugly ladder and didn’t miss a step.

JERRY

Where’s your son-in-law Jared and daughter Ivanka?

TRUMP

Rats. Scumbags! Those creeps stole my money and fled to Moscow. They’re living in the Kushner Tower penthouse next to Vladimir Putin.

JERRY

Jared hacked your computer. Right?

TRUMP

Maybe. But it could have been Russia, China, North Korea, Iran and every country in the world. They all hate me.

JERRY

Where’s Melania?

TRUMP

I don’t know.

JERRY

But I do. She’s living with Brad Pitt.

TRUMP

I’m not jealous. Melania worked hard growing up on the south side of Chicago.

JERRY

That’s Michelle Obama, you idiot.

TRUMP

Fake news.

PAUL MANAFORT

Brad Pitt is diagnosed with a rare cancer that necessitates the removal of his entire ass. He will be a bottomless Pitt.

JERRY

Hey, Manafort. You were found guilty on 8 counts of fraud by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. When you get out, what’s next?

MANAFORT

I’m going to Disneyland!

TRUMP

He’s so stupid, Duncan. Manafort’s password at the Trump Tower needed 8 characters, so he typed Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.

MANAFORT

I’m only stupid, because I worked on your presidential campaign.

TRUMP

Nice wig, Paul. What’s it made of ?

MANAFORT

Your mother’s chest hair.

JERRY

Okay, Paulster. Speaking of wigs. What do you call a carrot and a potato who both wear wigs?

MANAFORT

Clueless.

JERRY

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.

TRUMP

You’re lucky I’m in cuffs, Duncan.

JERRY

Trumpster. You have a visitor.

Reverend Al Sharpton’s silhouette is visible. He is played by the Announcer.

TRUMP

Al Sharpton, my African American.

REVEREND AL SHARPTON

Don’t get giddy. I’m here to give you last rites.

TRUMP

Last rites? Am I going to die?

SHARPTON

Well. The warden isn’t sure, because you are being transferred to a cell with some Black brothers you and your father discriminated against when they were trying to rent apartments in Queens.

TRUMP

Bad. Very bad. Save me, Rev.

Maggie enters then walks near the screen.

JERRY

(surprised) You, mother?

SHARPTON

Are you calling me a “Mother”, Duncan?

JERRY

(embarrassed) No. I was talking to my mother.

SHARPTON

I don’t see no woman standing here.

JERRY

You don’t understand. She can only talk to me.

SHARPTON

And I thought Trump was nuts. Hey, Duncan. Do you know what you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

JERRY

Bums?

SHARPTON

Nope. The NBA.

TRUMP

I need more time to talk.

SHARPTON

Visitor day is over. You and Manafort have to go back to your cell.

SHARPTON

Trump.

TRUMP

What, Rev?

SHARPTON

Your farts stink.

TRUMP

That’s cause I eat baked beans.

SHARPTON

Good. Now deaf people can enjoy them, too.

The prison door slams. Jerry comes from behind the screen.

MAGGIE

I never thought Trump would leave.

JERRY

I never thought you’d come back.

MAGGIE

Are you glad I’m here?

JERRY

Real glad. I mean it.

MAGGIE

No joke?

JERRY

Scouts honor.

MAGGIE

I didn’t tell you how much I loved you when you were growing up. And I’m ashamed. You’re a kind and honest person. Always have been. I remember all those stray dogs and cats you would rescue off the streets so they could have a better life.

JERRY

Thank you for letting me keep them.

MAGGIE

I couldn’t ask for a better son. As I look back, I find myself wondering. Did I remember to thank you for the simple things? The laughter, smiles and quiet times we shared.

JERRY

Quiet times? You’re in the Guinness World Records for yelling.

MAGGIE

I don’t yell. I just raise my voice. There’s a difference. Let’s move forward in our relationship.

JERRY

Absolutely.

MAGGIE

I love you, Jerry.

JERRY

I love you too, mother. Come here.

They hug.

MAGGIE

It took a long time to say it.

JERRY

Better late than never.

MAGGIE

I love a happy ending.

JERRY

Me, too. Hey, I gotta show to do for you.

The lights dim. Jerry goes behind the screen.

JERRY

The word democracy is being destroyed before our very eyes. Every day our freedoms and institutions are being demonized by the president of the United States and his followers. I mean, Are you okay when Donald Trump says he’s a nationalist? 417,000 Americans sacrificed their lives in World War 2 to defeat Hitler, Mussolini and Tojo. These dictators were proud nationalists out to conquer the world and rule through tyranny and oppression. The FBI leadership is now  called scum. Our CIA and National Security experts are less preferable to the word of Vladimir Putin. The president is slowly dismantling the pillars of our democracy and replacing it with the new norm by authoritarian tactics, such as bypassing Congress on the rule of law. Separate but equal branches of government is no longer guaranteed. Multinational corporations are making billions of dollars. And I suspect just like Trump, not paying their fair share of taxes. The middle class and poor struggle from paycheck to paycheck or worse. Those in the president’s party that disagree with him are threatened with not being re-elected. The opposing party is demonized as unpatriotic. The president sews lies about everything from voter registration to immigration. Every day our constitution is being underminded from within. All the while Trump pardons political allies who been convicted of crimes against our country for corruption and treason. Can democracy be saved? That is up to each and every one of us when we leave here after the show. Democracy dies in darkness.  Speak truth to power.

Jerry exits from behind the screen. There is a pause before Maggie speaks.

MAGGIE

I’m so proud of you, Jerry. See what you can do when you put your mind to good use?

JERRY

Oh, mother.

Lights up.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

END OF PLAY.

The cast comes on stage for a curtain call.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show

(c) Dean B.Kaner

Dean Kaner

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