[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Coronavirus Updates from Around the Slobovian Universe

As part of their mission to keep the world informed, SNN presents these coronavirus updates.

Part of the continuing series, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).

Major Slobovian airline to check passengers temps rectally

coronavirus updatesIn the first of our coronavirus updates, Slobodan Moogigoogi, CEO and president of Trans-Stanckt Airlines, announced today that in order to insure the safety of the airlines passengers from the coronavirus the airline would begin checking passengers temps the old-fashioned way… rectally.

Mr. Moogigoogi explained, “The only way to get an accurate temperature reading is with the rectal thermometer. The readings that we have gotten with the commonly-used temporal forehead thermometer are not accurate — they have ranged from 52 degrees to 124 degrees.”

Trans-Stanckt has hired Dr. Umbeeyumbyum Bey of The STD Medical Group to head up the project. Dr.Bey also revealed that inflight medical procedures as vaginal replacement, frontal lobotomy and Barfilonas removal will be available to passengers.

Schnotzelvakian Health Ministry reveals reason for no coronavirus cases in the country

Dr. Sniffya Butte of the Schnotzelvakian Health Ministry revealed the reason that there have been no reported cases of the coronavirus in that country: “There has been no coronavirus in Schnotzelvakia because most modern citizens of our country still practice the ancient cleasing ritual of Phoomphenating.”

In Phoomphenating, a person drinks a ritual beverage consisting of nine-day-old sauerkraut juice and kerosene. This causes the person to phoomph (or fart in English) up to 2500 times a day.

Dr. Butte continued, saying, “The coronavirus is unable to stand up to Phoomphing.”

Phoomphenating is big business in Schnotzelvakia. There are phoomph drinks, phoomph clinics and, in development, a car that runs on phoomph.

Lab rats display unusual talents after being injected with anti-coronavirus serum

Piskifartsi Labs has been developing an anti-coronavirus serum. They have reported that since injecting lab rats with the serum, several of the lab rats have developed unsual talents:

One rat can now sing The Temptations song in Yiddish.

Another rat can recite The Book of Revelations backwards.

Still another rat awakens everyday at 4:00AM, tweets all kind of junk, and signs it “Donald Trump.”

Ted Holland