Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Snoop Dogg plans to vote for first time ever: “I can’t stand to see this punk in office”
Although, someone’s probably gonna have to remind him…
Police, organizers and businesses in Washington, D.C see biggest George Floyd protests yet
Damn, there were so many people in DC, you’d think an Obama inauguration was about to happen!
Two Missouri hairstylists sick with the coronavirus, exposed 140 clients to the virus
… look for their new salon ‘Hair, Today; Gone, Tomorrow.’
Christian Cooper urges an end to threats targeting Amy Cooper, white woman who accosted him
Interestingly, Amy Cooper lost her dog and her job. Christian Cooper could’ve lost his life. Right there is the difference between Rap and Country music!
“Enough is enough”: Former Defense Secretary Mattis blasts Trump over handling of protests
I’m thinking Jim Mattis should run for Prez just for the bumper sticker ‘Mad Dog 2020.’
Trump is questioning Biden’s age and fitness
That’s like R. Kelly questioning the age of anyone’s prom date.
A mom accidentally flashed her daughter’s class on Zoom and shared the story to show parents it’s “OK not to be perfect”
Not to mention, putting the T & A in PTA…
Trump announces he’s terminating relationship with the WHO
No word whether he’ll replace them with PINK FLOYD or Led ZEPPELIN.
Astronauts aboard NASA and SpaceX’s historic mission have been best friends for 20 years – and their wives are also both astronauts
The big question is which one has a boy named Elroy and his dog is Astro?!
Susan Collins is trending
What didn’t she mean now?
Kylie Jenner and Kris Jenner are “freaking out” about Forbes’ claims she lied about being a billionaire
On the upside, they’ve been accepted to USC on crew scholarships.
Ivanka Trump cries “cancel culture” and “discrimination” to blame for commencement speech cancellation
Hmmm, sounds like Ivanka is the Czech word for Karen.
Queen Elizabeth, 94, is back in the saddle, riding her pony without a helmet at Windsor Castle
Get your minds out of the gutter, people.
US added 2.5 million jobs in May
… but look for Republicans to claim most of those are protesters hired by George Soros…