Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/9/20 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Snoop Dogg plans to vote for first time ever: “I can’t stand to see this punk in office”

Although, someone’s probably gonna have to remind him…

Police, organizers and businesses in Washington, D.C see biggest George Floyd protests yet

Damn, there were so many people in DC, you’d think an Obama inauguration was about to happen!

Two Missouri hairstylists sick with the coronavirus, exposed 140 clients to the virus

… look for their new salon ‘Hair, Today; Gone, Tomorrow.’

Christian Cooper urges an end to threats targeting Amy Cooper, white woman who accosted him

Interestingly, Amy Cooper lost her dog and her job. Christian Cooper could’ve lost his life. Right there is the difference between Rap and Country music!

“Enough is enough”: Former Defense Secretary Mattis blasts Trump over handling of protests

I’m thinking Jim Mattis should run for Prez just for the bumper sticker ‘Mad Dog 2020.’

Trump is questioning Biden’s age and fitness

That’s like R. Kelly questioning the age of anyone’s prom date.

A mom accidentally flashed her daughter’s class on Zoom and shared the story to show parents it’s “OK not to be perfect”

Not to mention, putting the T & A in PTA…

Trump announces he’s terminating relationship with the WHO

No word whether he’ll replace them with PINK FLOYD or Led ZEPPELIN.

Astronauts aboard NASA and SpaceX’s historic mission have been best friends for 20 years – and their wives are also both astronauts

The big question is which one has a boy named Elroy and his dog is Astro?!

Susan Collins is trending

What didn’t she mean now?

Kylie Jenner and Kris Jenner are “freaking out” about Forbes’ claims she lied about being a billionaire

On the upside, they’ve been accepted to USC on crew scholarships.

Ivanka Trump cries “cancel culture” and “discrimination” to blame for commencement speech cancellation

Hmmm, sounds like Ivanka is the Czech word for Karen.

Queen Elizabeth, 94, is back in the saddle, riding her pony without a helmet at Windsor Castle

Get your minds out of the gutter, people.

US added 2.5 million jobs in May

… but look for Republicans to claim most of those are protesters hired by George Soros…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)