The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews General James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews retired General James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Mad Dog MattisJERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is retired General James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis. Good morning, Sir.

GENERAL JAMES MATTIS

Trump is a moron.

JERRY

We know. Someone threw a beer at him during last night’s Washington Nationals baseball game. It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

MATTIS

All gave some. Some gave all. One had bone spurs.

JERRY

Why did you resign as Secretary of Defense?

MATTIS

I couldn’t convince the Trumpster to reconsider withdrawing all American troops from Syria. He wanted to cut and run, leaving the region a powder keg. I told him, you understand that if we leave, Assad and Russia will take over.

JERRY

What did he say?

MATTIS

That the national bird of Syria is a U.S. drone and walked out.

JERRY

Hey, Mad Dog. Where does a Syrian go during a drone strike?

MATTIS

Everywhere.

JERRY

You’re 70 years old. What a resume. Commanded forces in the Persian Gulf War from 1990 to ’91. Headed the U.S. Joint Forces Command from 2007 to ’10. Commander of the U.S. Central Command from 2010 to ’13. And you haven’t had a girlfriend since 8th grade.

MATTIS

I lost the girl of my dreams. Sally Stone was her name. We used to pick apples in her family orchard. She would climb up a tree and I’d shake it. The apples would fall on my head. Sometimes Sally would, too. We laughed hysterically. One day, Sally introduced me to a new game. Squirrel, squirrel, who’s got the nuts? Well. She got caught by her dad holding mine.

JERRY

Sounds bad.

MATTIS

Yeah. She was sent to a boarding school. I wrote letters, but they were all returned. May I read the last one?

JERRY

Absolutely.

MATTIS

(reads letter)

Dear Sally,

I miss you so much. My love for you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in. Did you hear about the blind man who walked into a bar…and a chair…and a table? Someday I’m going to run away and join the Marines. I’m sure none of this makes any sense to you. But it does to me.

Mad Dog

JERRY

Beautiful.

MATTIS

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they are talking about a psychiatrist.

Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.

DONALD TRUMP

You need a shrink! You’re a sick man. Duncan, let me tell you what I did today. I showed some Syrians my new drone. They were blown away by it. Maybe I’ll try Chicago next.

MATTIS

We must reject thinking like that. Our cities are not a battlespace. We do not call our uniformed military to divide and conquer. Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people. Listen to Lincoln’s better angels as we work to unite.

TRUMP

I feel great you resigned, Mad Dog. Didn’t like much about your leadership style. And who cares about Abe Lincoln? He and quarterback Eli Manning have something in common. Neither could finish a play.

JERRY

General John Kelly and Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski have defended the general.

TRUMP

Two losers. I’m campaigning for Murkowski’s opponent in Warsaw this fall.

JERRY

The Senator is from Alaska.

TRUMP

How can she prove it?

JERRY

Because she knows which leaves make good toilet paper. If you read anything, you’d know that.

TRUMP

I read. I’m a history buff.

JERRY

Okay. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

TRUMP

Too easy. At the bottom of the page. I’m a stable genius.

JERRY

What? It’s like saying because you slept with someone named Stormy makes you an expert on the weather.

TRUMP

Oh well. That’s why I live with mental illness. Melania is jealous.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

Dean Kaner

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