Exclusive! Classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens.
By Michael Dane
In late April of 2020, the Pentagon released footage of “unidentified aerial phenomena,” indicating to some that extraterrestrial life forms may have attempted to contact humans.
Now, audio has leaked which appears to be from an alien ship, recorded as it entered Earth’s atmosphere. The Humor Times has gained access to this classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens, discussing their mission. The transcript has been translated from the original alien language.
BLORG: Well, they called us, right?
KEVIN: Sure, but I’m still not sure we should… you, know, actually make contact. Maybe we should just observe them for a while?
B: Look, they sent us that cool record — all those humans greeting us — and… what’s that thing humans make with sound?
B: That’s it. I seem to recall you liked ‘music’ when you heard it?
K: Well, it was Lady GaGa, so —
(unintelligible — Blorg and Kevin seem to be arguing about Lady GaGa)
K: I just don’t know if the Earth creatures are advanced enough to justify contact. Only one way to find out. Initiate the Planetary Anthro-thermographic Transponder!
K: Well, what are the readings?
B: It needs your password.
K: Fine. Give it to me. Oh that’s right… I just changed the password… I know (long silence) Got it! Okay. What do you make of the situation on Earth right now?
B: Unclear. Many of the life forms seem to be ill. It’s almost as if they’re all sick from one cause—looks to be some sort of virus.
K: So these life forms… they have hospitals, so this is where they are?
B: My first readings seem to suggest that some of these life forms are not allowed access to medical treatment. When I cross-reference by social strata, it seems that an entire class of humans, they are typically called… the poor?… have no health care whatsoever.
K: But that makes no sense! Wouldn’t their society just collapse if they didn’t tend to the weakest in the group? Well, I’m sure that those who are not being treated are staying safely inside to prevent the virus from spreading?
B: That’s the weird thing. As I scan the hardest-hit areas, it seems that a large percentage of the life forms are in what seem to be… taverns! And another large percentage has ventured toward various bodies of water, and are… just laying down. Almost as if they’ve given up on finding a cure.
K: Are they at least wearing some protective gear and keeping their distance from each other?
B: Negative. On both vectors.
K: (muttered) Idiot humans.
B: Hold on—now I’m seeing different crowds of the Earthlings gathering together, but they are being attacked by what seems to be a military force. The groups all seem peaceful, but this quasi-military force is firing what seem to be chemical weapons at them. The groups seem angry. Scanning the last several hundred years of Earth history, it appears that the conflict is between humans with different skin tones.
K: Wait. I thought they were all the same species.
B: They are, but apparently the humans with less melatonin believe themselves to be superior to other humans.
K: Have they at least sent in the Dispute Resolution Teams, or the Crisis Counselors?
B: So far, no. Just the humans with military weapons. Oh My Zorb! Look at this! (unintelligible) Do you see them?
K: Are those… murder hornets? We need to leave Earth’s orbit NOW! There is no way Earthlings are prepared for murder hornets! Those things creep me out! I told you they weren’t ready for contact!
B: It’s just that they reached out to us, but it does feel like… they’re… going through a lot right now. Like maybe now isn’t the best time to drop in on Earth? I’m just sayin.’
K: Yeah, you’re right. We could always come back another time.
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