[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Famed British Agent James Bond Arrested on 37,267 Counts of Sexual Assault and Rape

James Bond was taken into custody on international warrants, according to Slobovian Secret Service sources.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Internationally famous British secret agent James Bond was arrested today as he vacationed at the glamorous Slobovian resort, The Isle of Poohtang. Mr. Bond was taken into custody on international warrants charging the sexual assault and rape of 37,267 women around the world since 1962.

James Bond
He said his name is Bond, James Bond, and that he’s shaken, not stirred, by recent charges.

According to Slobovian Secret Service sources, more charges may be pending.

In order to be “politically correct,” Mr. Bond was taken into custody by Slobovian Secret Agent Aardvarke Squiddlybumppo and Agent ZippeQuarkUpo, the Slobovian equivilent of 007.

The earliest complaint against Commander Bond dates back to the spring of 1962. A woman named Honey Ryder states that she met James Bond on an Caribbean island belonging to a Doctor No. She says that she was collecting sea shells on the beach when she met Mr. Bond. She says he seduced her and then proceeded to blow up the island. She stated that Mr. Bond seduced her several more times, took her to England, seduced her multiple times there, then dumped her for some Russian bimbo, who he in turn dumped for someone called Pussy Galore.

“James Bond thinks that all women are pussy galore,” stated Miss Ryder.

In order to fight extradition to England, James Bond has hired the well-known Slobovian legal firm of Monkey, Hipps and Rice, where he will be represented by Ooooopapa Kow and Dhoo Woppe.

Other women who have filed charges against Mr. Bond include Domino Derval, Kissy Suziki, Mary Goodnight, Holly Goodhead, Octopussy, Vesper Lynd, Fatima Blush and a woman identified only as “M.”

To our knowledge there are no Slobovian women filing charges against James Bond. Several years ago in an interview on the Slobbo cable show Celebrity Crappe, Mr. Bond indicated that he was not attracted to the charms of Slobovian girls that Slobovian men find so alluring, such as body odor and braided underarm hair.

Ted Holland

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