Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

McDonald’s and Chipotle say customers in their US restaurants will have to wear masks

… and pants, for God’s sake… pants!

Republicans Senators are mad some Americans are getting paid more not to work

Who do these people think they are? Members of Congress?!

Hydroxychloroquine is not an effective treatment for COVID-19, according to the FDA

But, still a great spelling bee word…

A Michigan judge won’t release a 15-year-old Black girl who’s in jail for not doing her online schoolwork

By now, Lori Laughlin’s kids would’ve already hired someone to get them masters degrees and Olympic medals in crew.

Biden soon to pick a running mate

No word how much a potential VEEP’s shampoo smell will factor into decision!

Sen. Tom Cotton described slavery as a “necessary evil”

What do you expect from a guy named Cotton?!

Wilford Brimley, ‘Cocoon’ and ‘Natural’ actor, dies at 85

So, sorry to hear this. I thought he was 85 for the last 30 years.

The Marlins are putting their 18 players with coronavirus on a bus from Philadelphia to Miami

One more and they’d literally be the COVID-19.

Scott Baio, Ted Nugent, Diamond and Silk to perform at GOP Convention

Diamond and Silk, Nugent, Baio — that isn’t a political convention lineup, it’s the guest stars for a reboot of the ‘Love Boat.’

Jeffrey Epstein’s ex, Ghislaine Maxwell had a secret wedding on 9/16/16

Where did she register: Bed, Bath and Beyond the Reach of the Law?

The L.A Rams have officially announced that they will have no fans in the stadium next season

The Chargers, who use same stadium, say same but a lack of fans has nothing to do with the virus…

Sinclair to air a segment that Dr. Fauci started the pandemic

C’mon, did you see how he threw out the first pitch? That guy is against anyone catching anything!!!!

Eminem is “stressed” about Mariah Carey’s upcoming memoir and worried she thinks he was a “selfish lover.”

Hmmm, maybe he should’ve used his character S and M?

Melania Trump will revamp White House Rose Garden

… Damn, that’s a really a nice gift for the Bidens…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)