[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Santa for Congress

Due to global warming, Santa has relocated to Queens, where he’s been offered tax incentives and has launched a “Santa for Congress” campaign.

The first verified proof of man made global warming has been confirmed in the Nation’s capitol.

santa for congressIn a report released early yesterday and confirmed by NOAA, (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) it was detailed that the polar region has become so warm that the North Pole did, in fact, slide all the way to Washington DC, bringing with it Santa Claus and his myriad helpers.

In a stunning announcement shortly after his arrival in DC, Santa made the following statement:

Although I am as surprised as you that I am here, in a greater sense I have been here for a while. I have received many letters from Americans stating they felt that the United States already has a “Santa Claus government,” in which many of its citizens consider the US Government and Santa to be one in the same. I cannot say how gratified I am to have heard this. And, since I am here, as soon as I settle down in Queens, New York, where I have just been offered some tax incentives if I establish my 2,000,000 SF workshop with a needed additional 40,000 helpers to supplement my current crew, I feel that I should consider running for Congress under the Santa Always Free Everything banner. (SAFE) — Love to all of my many admirers.

The newly elected firebrand Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), in an immediate response to Santa’s announcement that he will run for Congress, commented:

I’m the real boss in Queens and in DC. This joker, who claims he’s more Green than me because he rides around on a sled with a bunch of methane farting Reindeer and I use UBER a lot, is just another racist White man in a red hat set up by the Trump Organization to dilute our true Socialist giveaway scheme, and we will begin an immediate investigation of how he really got here if he actually decides to run for Congress.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), joining fellow Democrat Ocasio-Cortez, weighed in almost as quickly:

While I appreciate what Santa has done for us over the many past years, I for one am concerned about a candidate giving things away for free just prior to, or, in fact, what might be seen as giveaways as part of a campaign for Congress. It’s one thing for politicians to use government giveaways to get votes. We do that with legislation and government programs – but overtly using gifts as an inducement to obtaining a vote is, I believe, a step over the line, which even I wouldn’t cross.

In a survey, conducted by the American Citizens United for a More Respectful Political Environment, any noticed impact and feared potential social upheaval because of Santa’s unanticipated sudden arrival in DC and his forthcoming annual sojourn of giving out goodies prior to running for Congress appears to be minimal, as those questioned about its potential political effects on the United States, now that Man Made Global Warming has been confirmed, and it has given us Santa Claus, stated that until they were questioned and asked about this situation, they didn’t previously see a difference between filling out a voting ballot and making out their Christmas wish list.

A substantial segment, about 22%, of those questioned, said they already thought that they were making out a gift wish list when they went into the voting booth, but hadn’t thought of it in terms of what they were voting for as actually being a Christmas list, as they weren’t practicing Christians or members of another organized religion, although they believed in God or some deity.

A minority, about 7%, or those who identified themselves as being Atheists, said they were never under the impression that voting was asking for gifts. The consensus among this demographic was that ‘what they asked for when they went to vote’ was something that they were already entitled to as a right; and their vote was intended to keep from power those who would deny them what they were already due. Side comments from this group, not counted as part of the questionnaire’s tabulation since their comments were not in response to any of the questionnaire’s tabulatable questions, were exemplified by this one comment “…describing my ‘rights’ as “God given” is silly, since it’s more than obvious that what I want is absolutely a right and it would obviously come from the government – not God.”

A majority of people, somewhat more than 52%, saw no difference between the ballot and the gift list of what they wanted for Christmas, and felt that consolidating the voting process into the Christmas gifting season would make a lot of sense.

Several of the more leftist oriented respondents who were questioned, who did not want to be identified as a group, and therefore there are no statistics of the size of this group, felt that the merger of the gift list and the voting ballot was inevitable because of climate change, and they are not at all surprised that Santa’s workshop melted all the way to D.C. Their greater concern was that Santa and his helpers would be detained and deported as illegal immigrants and not given sanctuary because of Trump’s new Draconian law demanding that sanctuary must be requested before entering the United States if it is to be legally viable.

An attempt to survey a decent sampling of Republicans was made difficult because those who were questioned and identified themselves as Republicans, refused to answer because they didn’t believe in man made climate change – although they believed in Santa Claus. When asked about Santa’s immigration status, because of the issue being raised by some Democrats, they agreed that while his entry into the United States was questionable, they hoped an exception to the asylum rule recently put into place would be made, considering Santa’s value to America and Western culture, and considering that Santa appears to have a sustainable source of income to support himself and his helpers and would not need government charity.

The poll’s margin of error was given as between 3-5%, with a sampling of 1500 people.

Joel Goodman
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